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A thank you, to Wataru, to Studio FEEL, and to this subReddit.

2020.09.25 21:48 V4ultkey A thank you, to Wataru, to Studio FEEL, and to this subReddit.

Hi everybody, this is my first post on this subreddit, and it's going to be a bit personal, but not unrelated to the anime. I just wanted to express my gratitude, as the title says, now that the Anime has drawn to a close.
I watched the first two seasons of OreGairu in late 2017, when I was, romance-wise, in a very happy place; back then I had started watching anime recently, mainly rom-coms, and it was a light activity for me, something to do just before going to bed. So I chose OreGairu, because of the high score, without seeking more information, not taking it very seriously.
Obviously, I didn't know what I had just got into. Season 1, being more comedy-oriented, wasn't that hard to watch in a non serious manner, although I "already" started to sense there was something going on under the apparently calm surface. Obviously, Season 2 confirmed my suspicions. At the end, I was very confused. So I rewatched, and I read some analyses. I started to get into it, and to understand, but I opted not to read the LN, because I was busy with my Bachelor's thesis.
Not many months later, my happy times, romantically speaking, were over. One of the first things I dropped was anime, and Japanese stuff in general, since it reminded me of the person who left (a weeb - and the term is not used in a derogatory way - for a long part of her life), and unfortunately I had associated the good times and this person being in my life, with watching anime and reading manga. Also, many of my "best girls" from those shows shared some similarities with her, so yeah, you can imagine the pain.
Gradually, many months later, I started getting back to Japan and its culture (thanks Chris Broad, among others), and by reflection, its cultural products. I wanted to "take back" all the good stuff I watched and read while I was with her, without being forced to think about her. I was going to be a weeb myself, on my own terms, so to speak.
So, after fully rereading ReLife, this February , I discovered the 3rd Season of OreGairu was going to be aired soon, and I was so hyped (I mean, I even started checking Chiba's map and weather, and when it snowed there in early March, I jockingly saw it as a heaven's sign). Not being a fan of rewatches, I read the :monologue manga. The COVID delay, while it was upsetting (to say the least) gave me time to read even more analyses.
So, thanks to all the previous reading, and the reading I did here after each episode, I managed to grasp the lessons embedded in this anime, while enjoying the story. It made me tear up not only while watching, but even after, while reflecting about what I just watched, what I've read before and after the episode, and how it all connected to my situation.
I understood that despite appearances, my previous relationship wasn't completely genuine: it did tick off many boxes, but not all of them, and that wasn't only her fault. I understood that running away from problems and emotions only complicates them, and that waiting, no, searching for something genuine is the right thing to do; it's not easy, but this very show tells us that, if it's easy, it's probably not genuine. As Hiratsuka-sensei said, we have to struggle to come up with an answer. It renewed my belief in the "genuine", after my breakup - and my parent's one.
Speaking about Season 3 proper, it was amazing. The ending, even if a bit rushed, was amazing. While I haven't read the LN (right now I'm busy with my Master's thesis) I've read the last chapters of Vol 14, plus the Preludes, so I get why people complain about the absence of Yukino in the first part, and probably I've missed even more stuff about her, so it's probably even worse; it's a shame, because while I get that the show was trying to keep the suspance up about Hachiman's final partner, it underplayed Yukino's internal suffering; the ending made justice to her, but imagine a Season 3 with the same amazing ending, plus Yukino's internal drama. Probably, it could have been possible with a single episode more. Perfection.
While I always preferred Yukino, I sympathised a lot with Yui, and not only because of her relatively high screen time: Yui's situation is probably familiar to many of us, and her is even worse: the love interest of her love interest, is her best friend.
In general, I really liked the character development: the "hand offering" scene after the sauna is probably the best of the episode (on par with the "marriage misunderstanding" at the beach, which sent my sides into orbit while making me tear up at the same time), and of the whole Season (on par with Hachiman's confession, which has got to be the one of the best I ever had the privilege to witness). Another important thing, from Ep. 10 Hachiman gradually stops blushing when the other girls are near him, especially when they're alone. Hiratsuka-sensei is the last one, I think, at the batting center, but then, when she falls on him at the second prom, he doesn't falter. He made his choice. He knows where his heart is.
I really enjoy watching this kind of rom-coms, despite the heartbreaks: during the show, when the show ends, when I realise the MC got his true waifu, while I'm still alone, and far from finding the genuine I'm searching: however, despite all of this, it's worth it.
It's worth it for the story.
It's worth it for the emotions.
It's worth it for the life lesson.
"Thanks, sensei!"
And thank you for humoring me, and see you for the OreGairu Shin releases! (I swear, I'll read the whole LN one day)
submitted by V4ultkey to OreGairuSNAFU [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:37 girlseekingghost Sharing Recent Spell Successes

Just like the title says, I would like to share two successful spells I have done. I'll give the short form first and then why they have been so meaningful for me.

  1. Job/Prosperity/Luck Spell for my husband - He was applying/interviewing for a job that I knew would make him really happy. I have all the faith in the world in him so I just wanted to give my extra support and well intentions. I did a simple spell jar, choosing the ingredients myself, meditated on it while I did the wax seal process, and left it on my altar until the final news was recieved. He got the job and I am so happy for him!
  2. Shortly after this, I'd already been considering deconstructing the job spell jar to reuse the jar (it's a small vial, really) and while we were in a meeting, a coworker asked us to send her well wishes for a medical test she was having for her unborn baby. Apparently, they were fearing the worst (and the worst was the most likely) and she just asked for us to send her good energy to help give her the strength, no matter the results. She said prayers or whatever you believe, just send 'em over. So, immediately after, I got up, cleaned out the jar, and did a tarot reading while praying/meditating to Hekate and received The Moon (obvious association to Her as well as honoring intuition/inner voice), Ace of Swords (clarity, breakthrough, strong vibes), and Queen of Swords (a card that means a lot to me and also has all of the Hekate vibes). I knew she was there and lending her strength in her Healer (Paionios) aspect as well as just her MotheFull Moon/Manifestation aspect (Maiden, Mother, & Crone). Again, I personally constructed the spell jar after researching ingredients, sealed it with wax while meditating. And just yesterday I recieved the news that the baby is fine. Tears were shed by all. We couldn't be happier for her.
I understand that it was not my own work alone that contributed to these positive outcomes, but it demonstrated to me that if you are sincere and put your intuition out there with your whole heart and believe and trust, good things can come of it. It isn't a guarantee. But even in that lack of guarantee, I had trust that regardless of the outcome, I had put my best energy out there.
Besides just the positive outcomes, I really felt validated in my craft. I may not be the best at a daily practice, but I know that when I wish to put my heart and soul into something, I can still connect to the universe in a positive way. And maybe I don't have to do that every single day. I'd love to build better habits and try, but what truly matters is when I feel called to do something, I do it.
I want to thank the universe (and Hekate) for catching me because I do feel caught and held right now. I thought I would try to spread the positivity to you all in your craft, whether you are Wiccan, Pagan, etc. And please keep the positivity going by sharing your success, too! Even if it was an unexpected success. I know it's hard to connect with others right now in the current conditions so this could be an opportunity; I hope you feel my positive energy today!
TLDR; My two recent spells had positive outcomes and the positive energy is swelling and I wanted to manifest it here for a moment and invite everyone to share in that and share their recent experiences.
submitted by girlseekingghost to witchcraft [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:36 ellymykie I wish I wasn’t so proud in the beginning. I was so happy. I get like a hero. I felt amazing about myself.

Now I can play the victim and say that this was the only thing that made me feel good about myself, but there’s no point. So what if the only things that made me happy was never true? Nobody gives a shot about you. You made a fool out of yourself. You reap what you sow. You did this to yourself. You deserve every single shame you feel inside you. You flew way too close to the sun. You did this. You did this. No one is to blame here. You are. You dumb selfish fucking asshole. You did this. You should go to hell. You should be stoned to death. You deserve it. You deserve it. You are a terrible person. You are selfish and rude and too fucking terrible at heart. You deserve everything you got.
submitted by ellymykie to u/ellymykie [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:29 Vivid_Caterpillar_14 62 [M4F] SW Florida seeks real friendship with fabulous benefits with mature woman

Greetings! These are certainly strange times, and I am appreciative of having the ability to reach out to people to find some of what is missing at home. I would very much enjoy creating an online relationship that could lead to more when things return to whatever-normal-will-look-like.
I am a young-at-heart 62-year-old, married to an alcoholic (not the ideal type of person to be sheltering-in-place with). Her alcoholism, along with her clinical depression, has left her with ZERO interest in anything physical; not just sex, but even simple affection such as holding hands or the occasional kiss are nonexistent. In addition, conversing with an alcoholic is incredibly banal and boring, and I miss the stimulation of an active, inquisitive mind.
I am 5’9” and have an athletic build (think small linebacker-type), married, with blue eyes and brown wavy hair. I am not looking to change my situation or yours. I am looking for one (1) ongoing Friends with Benefits relationship — one in which the friendship is more important than the benefits.
If you are in a situation at home that is not satisfying, I can relate only too well. I am a good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and someone who truly enjoys the company of a woman who is intelligent, open-minded, and enjoys communicating sincerely.
I seek a woman who can understand my situation and is preferably married or attached; however, I am open to single, widowed, or divorced women who are open-minded and non-judgmental. I prefer someone 50 or older, but am more than willing to explore things with someone younger who is mature. She should also want a FWB relationship with one man in which the friendship, as I said earlier, is equally as, if not more important, than the benefits.
A woman who craves stimulating conversation, affection, passion, romance. . . is this you? If so, please get in touch. Pics available upon request.
submitted by Vivid_Caterpillar_14 to R4R40Plus [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:12 adk1995 [MF] How to run: a guide for the uninitiated

Start strong. Prepare yourself. Stretching is important.
When you are lying in bed, half-awake, half-regretful that yet another day is about to begin, try - try to mobilise positivity - today is going to be better than yesterday (how could it not be?). Today you will kick the nap in-between meetings. Discomfort is a gift and today you will thrive on it rather than sink in the marsh of escape mechanisms - so that once your mind wanders down the multifarious lanes of self-doubt or self-loathing or both simultaneously (as it often does), there is enough flexibility in your head to resist. You might say that a speed breaker at the start of the race doesn’t affect the acceleration for the rest of the track. I agree. But it’s the lead you build here that you have an opportunity to maintain. Which can indeed be the difference between getting through wounded and getting through scarred. If you pull a muscle in the first 100 meters, you definitely can’t complete your run. Wounds heal, scars remain. So, stretch.
Identify whether the run is meant to be or not.
The first 200 meters will tell you if your back can hold. You need to be smart about it, though. Back pain is the worst, and it sneaks upon you quietly before unleashing a full-fledged menace that stings with every breath you take. At the start, you thought it was just a passing romance. Constantly thinking about it was fun. The texting, the calls, the frequent meetings, the laughs. But you wanted different things. Your back wanted to take it slow, keep things at a walking pace. You, on the other hand, wanted to run. Gradually, things grew distant. Texts became difficult to respond to. Meetings were filled with anxiety. The heart told itself twisted tales of perfection and utopia when alone but couldn’t deal with the multiple blows of indifference. If the back hurts even a little, even if the sting that comes with each subsequent step is manageable and the run is valuable, understand the long-term ramifications. Avoid unnecessary, unsolicited, unlimited pain. Abort.
Learn to breathe.
Every single step of your run is either a breath taken in or a breath let out. In in in, out out out. In in in, out out out. The moment you forget to breathe, the moment you lose your rhythm, is the moment you lose control. The human body lives in an atmosphere of fuel, and there needs to be constant supply of energy. Come to think of it, it’s such an inefficient system. It’s as if cars were to not have engines but to exist in an ocean of petrol. What’s even more stupid is that the point of intake of fuel is also the exact point of its expulsion. I’m not even asking for additional bodily infrastructure here. Maybe if the air in our body were to go in from one nostril and move out the other in a constant motion - as it does with the gills of a fish I believe - maybe we would have double the energy. With double the energy, would things have been different? Would technology be at its peak, would we be conversing with aliens several lightyears away, or would the over-energized war-mongerers of the Middle Ages have slowed us down to the point of near-extinction? How nice it would be to be close to extinction. I digress.
Thing is, breathing is important because it demands your focus for survival in the present. It tells you - stop thinking about that time when you were presenting to a group of directors and a question was asked of you and you were just beginning to answer but someone else took the silence for incompetence and chimed in with their horrible opinion. Stop thinking about your best friend who got fired and who went through a break-up and who is now searching for a job and you speak to him daily but you have your own sadness to deal with too and it is making your life difficult to accommodate so much sadness but you can’t say it because you love him. Stop thinking about the fact that your parents are unhappy together, that they probably never felt in love with each other, never regarded each other as genuine friends, that they spent their entire lives in this compromise of which you are a living souvenir. Stop thinking about how you had imagined yourself to be a superhero when you were 25 but here you are still struggling with building confidence in the face of authority. Let these thoughts come, greet them politely, and let them out the back door. Then breathe. In in in, out out out.
Understand the pain. Endure what you must.
The main muscles that are working the most when you run are your quads (thighs), hip flexors (self-explanatory), hamstrings (behind the thigh, connecting your pelvis to the back of your knee), glutes (the hip region, helping in rotation of the legs) and calf muscles (on the back of the lower leg). Depending on which part of your body is less developed, these parts will start hurting as you enter your second kilometre. On the first day, stop as soon as the pain starts, and take a cold bath to curb the inflammation. Take stock the next morning. What hurts the most? You need to understand the pains first, work on them one by one, till you are comfortable with them, and you know they are productive, not malicious.
The great thing about pain is, it follows the law of conservation. You can convert one kind of pain temporarily into another and the former will disappear. If you have ever had a cut on your hand and you’ve dug the area around the wound with your nail to cope with the excruciating epicentre, you know what I’m talking about. At some point, unwanted thoughts will try to hijack the run. Sprint your way out of it. Let your calves take the weight of the broken heart, let your knackered quads soothe the part of the brain that keeps creating lists of things that you should have done, of things that people are expecting from you, of things that you are expecting from yourself. Let your embarrassing moments - when you didn’t go to the aid of a friend when you could have but didn’t feel like it, when you ignored an opportunity to be a gentleman and let the lift door close because you didn’t feel like being social, when you lied to someone about being caught up in something else when you were actually sleeping - convert into stinging flexors and pushed-to-the-limit hamstrings. It’s ok. The past is the past, and converting the past into bodily strength is probably the best you can do with it. Each person has a different tolerance for pain. Pace yourself. You’re not running away from pain, you’re converting it into something better. You’re running towards a better future. Stretch, evaluate, breathe, endure. You’re ok. Keep running.
submitted by adk1995 to shortstories [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:11 theirfReddit 28 [M4F] creative, caring, intellectual, driven, and romantic looking for that spark

Hello, most people tell me i am the most unique person they know. I am very poetic, and creative. Love is my muse. It has inspired me to make amazing things. Intelligent and am able to converse well. Happen to be handsome too.
I love doing romantic things. Love receiving them.
Looking for someone who pours her heart and soul out to me as i pour it out to her.
I am single because i spent a lot of my 20s over weight and unconfident. I poured my heart and soul into fitness, i like doing that in everything, and lost a great deal of weight.
I’m on the come up—trying to be positive despite bad things happening to me, the people, and world i care for. I have always carried the weight of the world and am very compassionate. But with myself, i make mistakes, but i learn and grow. Here’s to great things for all of us.
(lowercase i as a salute to modernism)
submitted by theirfReddit to r4r [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 21:01 indamoufofmadness I am not worthless

Long fucking post.
I am not a piece of garbage. I am not disposable. I am not worthless.
I am good to people whenever I can be. Friends, family, strangers. I treat them how I want to be treated. I treated you even better than that. You were the only woman who's ever made me feel genuinely loved. I gave you the best of myself, I loved you with my entire soul, and dedicated myself to working toward the future you told me you wanted. For years I forgave you every time you broke down and tried to push me away. I cared for you, supported you, showed you patience and unconditional love. I believed in you, and I believed you when you told me every single day that you wanted to spend your life with me. Then a switch just flipped inside you, and suddenly I meant nothing.
Yeah, I broke down. I spent so long believing you loved me, that you wanted us to have a future together, and working hard to make it happen...and literally overnight you cut me out of your life and start treating me like I was some abusive and dangerous asshole, even though you know I would never have hurt you. Yeah, I broke down when I stumbled across brand new posts you made on reddit that showed up in my feed, after you told me you had deleted your account. Yeah, I broke down, and I'm ashamed of myself for it.
But you're the one who abused me. You're the one who acted dangerously toward me, yourself, and others. You've tried to hit me. You've slapped and kicked your dog. You've threatened me with a knife. you've locked me outside in my pajamas in the middle of February. You've cut your father off because he didn't want to invite me to Christmas, even though I told you it was okay and I'd rather you not damage your relationship with him. You've screamed at your mother for coming to the apartment her husband owned just to help clean up. I always forgave you, because whenever you'd come around you'd feel ashamed of yourself, you'd remember who you really were, and you'd work even harder to be better. Those episodes came less and less, and we made things healthier and healthier. And then you dove face first into a downward spiral of self destruction, absolutely destroying me in the process.
So yeah. I fucking broke down. I lost my shit. I'm sorry. But also, fuck you a little bit for putting me through all this, for convincing me you were worth the effort and the work and the understanding, then tearing my fucking heart out so you can run away and hide in this fantasy where you can treat people like this and still think you're being a better person.
Maybe I was in denial.
But you definitely are.
submitted by indamoufofmadness to offmychest [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 20:59 BeforeOctober Home is a Feeling - Home is human.

I have spent the last decade designing homes for others. As I finally sit down in front of my computer to work on my own, I’m thinking, home is a feeling, home isn’t a building, home is a human.
I not only know this because of what I do for a living but because I’m a former world gypsy. My childhood forced me into an environment where I never had an actual home. I traveled constantly and moved around every year. I developed a craving for stability and that feeling of home. I was able to find that in people.
So anytime I met a person who made me feel at home. I held onto them, fiercely and forever. I’m still at home with every single person I’ve managed to wrangle into my compound. Granted there have been some evictions here and there. But for the most part, they are all still with me.
My collection of heart roommates is scattered throughout different timezones, continents, and cultures but you’re the newest member and I want to give you a big welcome.
I don't allow just anyone to be a member. You’re special and already loved. What you’ll find in this home is a world full of laughter and bright smiles, we don’t allow toxic energy to enter the door. You’ll love it here, and might want to stay forever.
So home is a feeling - A feeling someone provides. A feeling of warmth, safety, stability, peace, shelter, comfort, happiness, and joy. Home can be you, home can be me. I’m glad you were able to find your way here, the door is always open, your room is always ready. Welcome home Love.
submitted by BeforeOctober to u/BeforeOctober [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 20:52 kingmcash She Sold Happiness in Glass Jars

The poster read, “Happiness! Sold in Glass Jars! Call Today!” and underneath the text was a phone number.
I was walking home from a long, exhausting day of work when I caught a glimpse of the paper stapled on an old telephone pole. I took a picture of it thinking it was amusing.
I was going to show my wife once I got to our apartment, but I was caught up with chores and forgot about it—dinner, dishes, laundry, packing a snack for our daughter, putting her to bed, then putting her toys away that she’d left out in the living room—every night, it was the exact same routine.
The next day, I awoke sleeping back-to-back with my wife. I always had to get up earlier than she did for my job, so I quietly got ready for the day and headed out the door.
At work, I was updating the company’s latest expense report. Most days were similar to this one. They were basically paying me to stare at a computer for nine hours a day and input a couple numbers in to a spreadsheet. I finished my work very quickly, so I decided to head out of the office early—it also helped that it was a Friday, and a lot of people leave early at the end of the week.
On my walk back, I was thinking of what my life had become. I did this often. I always dreamed of traveling when I was younger. I wanted to drive across the country or solo-backpack across Europe. Then I met Kelsey. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Kelsey. I mean, I still do. We just don’t have that spark anymore. When you meet someone and get in a relationship, whether it’s meant to be or not, some of your personal life-plans have to be put on hold. And then that relationship turns to marriage, and then you have a baby, then you have to enroll your daughter in a preschool, then you have to get a better paying job and work more hours and blah, blah, blah.
I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself. I’m just saying I wasn’t exactly content with where I was in my life. I wouldn’t have referred to myself as a happy person.
As I took the same route home that I did every day to work and back, I walked by the same poster I had passed the day before. I don’t know why, I really don’t, but I decided to call the number. I figured it would be some joke. Maybe someone just picks up and says, “I love you!” on the other end and hangs up. Or maybe it’s a line to a sex-worker. I had no idea what to expect.
I called. It only rang once before someone picked up.
“Hello?” a woman said.
“Uh, hi—um, I’m calling about your poster? Your ad?”
“Oh, awesome,” she said calmly, “when do you wanna pick it up?”
“Pick what up?”
“The jar…” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Oh, of course, um,” I realized then that I had left work early without telling Kelsey, so I could just go pick it up now and she’d be none the wiser, “what exactly is it? That your selling?”
“I just told you. It’s happiness. In a glass jar. Like the poster said. Happiness keeps best in glass jars. They’re more durable than, say, a plastic bag.”
“Um, okay. Should we meet somewhere?”
“For sure. I don’t want you to end up being a creep or something, so let’s go to a public place.”
The public place we decided on was a Starbucks parking lot a little over a mile from me.
Now, I didn’t think I was really going to be buying a jar of happiness or whatever. I was 99% sure she was going to sell me drugs. Maybe heroine would be in the jar. I remember thinking, Oh no, ‘happiness’ is probably a nickname for some street drug and I’m going to a drug deal. What if she’s a cop? Am I going to be arrested? But something inside me told me to keep walking, and so I did.
I stood outside and texted her.
Me: I’m here.
Her: Cool. Be there in a sec.
Me: What are you driving?
Her: Silver Camry.
And as her final text came through, I saw her car pull in. She took a spot not too far from where I stood. I could see there was no one else in the car, which put my kidnapping fear to rest. She opened her door and stood on the pavement, looking around until her eyes met mine. I gave her a little nod of acknowledgment. She simply responded by waving her hand, gesturing for me to come over to her car, so I did.
She was young, maybe mid-twenties, with curly, golden hair. Her skin was pale and contrasted with the all-black outfit she was wearing. I thought she looked like Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz had put on the Wicked Witch’s clothes.
“Nice day out,” she said as a greeting.
“Oh, yeah it is. Hadn’t really paid attention to it.”
“You were the one that called about the jar, right?”
“Yeah, that was me.”
“Cool, well, here you go.”
She handed me a very small, glass mason-jar. It couldn’t have been more than two inches tall. Inside of it was a light. Not a light bulb—just light. It was like someone bottled up sunshine. It glowed even in the midafternoon daylight. It looked like a tiny sun, or a tiny universe existing in this little crystal-walled home. I was admiring it with no attempt to hide the awe on my face.
“Pretty rad isn’t it?”
“What—what is it?”
“You’ve asked that, like, three different times, I think. My answer is still the same. It is happiness. Happiness in a glass jar.”
“What do I do with it?”
“Keep it,” She said simply, “if you have any problems shoot me a text.”
She started to get into her car.
“Wait!” I said, “I thought you were selling this? How much is it?”
“Don’t worry, man,” she said with a smile, “you’ll pay.”
She closed her door and I stepped out of her way as she backed up, then drove off. What the hell had just happened? What was I holding? I looked down at the jar again, its radiance was simply mesmerizing. I put it in my pocket and could see its glow slightly through my pants. I began to walk home.
What was just a nice, sunny day, quickly changed into a rainy one with clouds wrapping the sky. It was not forecasted that it would rain, or else I would’ve ridden the bus or subway to work that day. I jogged home trying not to get too drenched. I finally found shelter once I made it to my apartment building.
I walked up to my door and found that my key wasn’t on my key ring anymore. Shit, I can’t believe I lost it again, I thought.
I knocked on the door and said in a somewhat loud voice, “Hey babe it’s me, I don’t know what happened to my key.” I heard the door being unlocked from the other side.
When the door opened, I was greeted by a large, heavy-set man with greasy hair and unkempt goatee, he said, “I think you got the wrong door, bud.”
“Oh!” I said, disoriented, “my bad, sorry, have a good one.”
He let out a chuckle as he closed the door.
Apartment number 33.
I know that was my apartment. I know it was. I’d been in apartment 33 for five years now. But that was not my apartment. From what I could see inside, all the furniture was different, it was painted a different color, it was all wrong. I felt like I’d hit my head and was drugged. In that moment, nothing made sense.
I pulled out my phone to call Kelsey so she could calm me down and tell me I just got confused for a second. But her contact wasn’t in my phone. In fact, nothing was in my phone. I had no messages with her. No previous calls. No pictures. It was like my phone reset to its factory settings. Did that girl somehow switch my phone out when I wasn’t looking? I would’ve just dialed Kelsey's number manually, but I couldn’t quite remember it. I had known it by heart before, but not anymore. I needed to get back to the office, I had all my contacts backed up on my work computer.
Since it was still raining, I hopped on the bus which had a stop right in front of the apartment complex. I rode downtown toward my office, the whole time staring at my wet shoes, wondering what the hell was going on.
We have a keycard access to our building so only authorized personnel can get inside. I always keep my access card in my wallet, always. But, surprise, surprise—it wasn’t there. I buzzed in to the speaker we had for guests with appointments, or employees as a back-up in case anyone lost or forgot their card.
“Hey this is Tim, I must’ve lost my card. My employee number is…” I stopped as I drew a blank.
A voice came through the Speaker, “Tim? You got cut out, what’s your employee number?"
“Um, I can’t remember, I—”
“That’s fine, just tell me your full name and department.”
“Uh, finance. I’m in finance. My full name is Tim Brooks.”
“One sec.”
About thirty seconds later, the man spoke to me again.
“We don’t have a Tim Brooks working in this building. Did you have an appointment with someone?”
I backed up in surprise, almost tripping on my own feet. I had just been in that office an hour or two ago. What was happening to me? I felt like I was getting Alzheimer’s but going through every stage in one day. I stared at my hands, unsure if I was in the right body. I felt like the world around me was disintegrating. I wasn’t in control, I was merely sitting inside somebody else’s head, watching the world through their eyes.
Just then, I got a text. I recognized the number immediately, it was that girl. The one who gave me the jar. I had forgotten all about it until I saw her text.
Her: Hey. How’s it going?
I looked at my phone, dumbfounded. It made me angry she was so nonchalant about this. She knew what was going on. She had done this somehow.
Me: What the hell did you do to me?!
Her: The worst is yet to come.
I was astronomically close to just chucking my phone as far as I could in frustration. I took the jar out of my pocket. It looked unchanged, still glowing just as bright.
“What the fuck did you do!” I yelled at the jar, realizing I probably looked like a lunatic.
As I stared at its glistening glass, I realized something. I didn’t know what my wife’s face looked like anymore. I knew her name. Well, I know it started with a K, or maybe a C. I couldn’t picture her in my mind. I knew I had a wife. I knew I did. Yes, because I had a daughter. I had a wife and a daughter. I just, couldn’t remember their faces then—or their names, or their birthdays, or any memories I had with them.
I know they existed. They did exist. I had just seen them that morning, right? I couldn’t remember how she looked, or what she smelled like. What was our first date? We had a wedding, right? What about our first kiss? Or my daughter—or was it my son? Maybe I didn’t even have a kid. But my wife, or girlfriend, she was real. I knew she was. The thought was tearing me apart. I couldn’t see her in my head. I couldn’t recall a single fact about her.
I was standing outside of the same building, but I was unsure why I was. Did I work there? I must work somewhere. The rain was accompanied by a chilly wind now. It was whipping at my face, making my nose and cheeks sting. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be warm. I wanted to go in to a shitty office job that kept a roof over my head. I wanted it all. I was soaking wet. I was miserable. I couldn’t remember my parents, or my childhood. Did I even have any friends? Why was I in the rain?
I looked down at my hand. I was still clutching the jar. The only memory of my entire life I could concretely remember was that girl giving it to me. Telling me it was happiness. It did not bring happiness. It brought pain. It bought suffering. I was more miserable in that moment than I’d ever been.
My phone buzzed:
Break the jar, Tim.
I looked at my other hand. With the setting sun and the rainy sky, I swear the jar glowed brighter than any street light near me. I didn’t break it because I was following her instruction. I broke it because I was angry. I broke it because I was upset. I needed a release. I raised my arm above my head, and brought it down with one swift motion, shattering the jar on the concrete beneath my feet.
That dark, chilly air accompanying the rain spread away like it was the shockwave of a bomb going off, and I was at the epicenter. I saw the warm, yellow light from inside the jar spread rapidly across the ground and ascend into the sky. It was as if I was watching the beginnings of the universe being created—like God had just snapped his fingers and said, “let there be light.” I was engulfed in it. I could no longer see street or rain, or anything dark. I felt like I was plummeting into a star going faster than the speed of light. It felt like sitting in front of a fire on a cold winter’s night, but that warmth was covering every inch by body.
And then I blinked.
Immediately I could feel the sheets beneath me, and my back barely touching my wife’s. I was staring out the window. The morning light drenched through the glass and gleamed on my face.
I stood from bed and grabbed my phone. It was Friday morning. I had one text:
Let me know if you ever need another jar :)
I called in sick to work. I snuck into my daughter’s room and greeted her with a kiss and told her she didn’t have to go to preschool today. We were going to have a family day. She smiled and stretched out her arms with a yawn before curling up and falling back asleep.
I got back in bed and squeezed my wife tightly. I didn’t let go for hours. Our daughter came into our room and woke us up eventually—she was jumping on the bed and shouting for us to wake up. Yesterday I may have found that annoying. Yesterday I may have found a lot of things annoying, or monotonous, or dull.
But not today. Today, I pulled her under the covers in between me and Kelsey.
Today was going to be a good day. Today, I was happy.
submitted by kingmcash to noslee [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 20:34 nexotheinsane [VERY LONG] Grimacing at my childhood

I’m 21 right now, this all started some where in the first year after reception in primary school.
I was bullied as a child, whenever I tried to seek the teachers for help or security they treated me as the problematic child and gave my bully respect and leniency.
Every time I fought back I was quickly given problematic behaviour reminders, parents called and everything, even when I came out with bust lip and he had no physical marks on him.
Told my parents about the bully, they told me to fight back, no one gave me the help I needed. So I developed anger issues and anxiety.
The school gave me anger management sessions which helped somewhat, but whenever the bully started, I was the one that got told off and told to change.
People started being dicks to me and wanting to fight me, I accepted every single fight, my parents said that I should always defend myself and not run away unless there is more than one person wanting to hit me.
I remember when I got in-trouble for fighting with my bully during dinner time, I got sent inside and told to stare at locker while the other students were coming back inside after playtime/ recess. I remember them ridiculing me and my bully threatening me, the dinner ladies didn’t do shit. I slammed my head against the locker multiple times, crying and shouting. I was incredibly fucking angry at the lack of care and understanding from everyone. I felt trapped
The bully wasn’t an exemplary student or anything, honestly he was as dumb as a doornail, but almost everyone on the playground knew him and his family, they were the kind to resort to violence to solve their issues.
I ended up without any friends and accidentally made friends with what kids would call “the weird kids” and these guys were the best I could have hoped for in terms of friends, they didn’t care much for my bully situation, but they helped by just being there.
Me and my friends would harass the labourers that were working on a site not too far from the school gates, we shouted stuff at them, through stones etc. We got in trouble for that, which I deserved.
I then bullied a person who was more troubled than me, he had bladder control problems and I and my friends at the time led him on with a false sense of security and then we ridiculed him.
Physically pushed him, and basically did all the things that were happening to me. I got into trouble for what I did, which I still kick myself over till this very day. Granted the bullying was for a few days, I still feel shame when I remember what I did.
I ended up seeing the guy I bullied and his brother like 10 years later. Turns out they ended up living near me. He turned out as a very happy person, he was full of joy and didn’t seem to remember the bullying that I did to him. I brought it up and told them I was sorry for what I did. “It’s no worries” he said.
I remember they wanted some donuts from the local bakery (they skipped breakfast), so I gave them half my lunch money to buy them. Not enough, I know, I still repulse at the thought of what I did to him.
Back to primary school.
At the end of it all, I didn’t get much praise for my time there, except for once, when my bully was absent from school for a week or so, I got recommended to stand up in the middle of assembly to be told that I had made great progress, honestly I’m not sure if I got chosen because I was actually staying out of trouble, or because I was one of the very few that had never been picked.
Regardless, I was so happy to be stood there, I was nervous as anything, sweating, scared, weak legs, but very happy, I felt proud, as if I had finally been recognised.
Looking back now, I think that was the first sign I had social anxiety, I’ve been shy before, it is definitely not the same feeling.
All of this, followed by the strict standards my parents set on me, how i was treated in my first high school (not much different from primary, except my parents were forcing me with violence to be a model pupil), how I was treated during the early years of my second high school, as well as never being good enough for my dad’s standards, it was a lot for younger me to take.
I feel that all of what has happened to me during my childhood, has DRASTICALLY effected how I am today, my anger issues are still very much present, social anxiety too. But I feel that I’ve almost never fit in with people, and have never truly felt comfortable anywhere.
I feel that I hardly ever connect deeply with people enough to care for them. The only exceptions being my lovely girlfriend, and my very small group of close friends, made of people from my second high school and college years.
I feel like I only do nice things for people to convince myself I have a heart, or maybe to convince others that I’m a good person. Almost everything I do feels shallow and soulless.
I’m sorry this got so deep. If you did, thank you for reading through it. Your time of day is greatly appreciated
submitted by nexotheinsane to offmychest [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 20:01 CyrusWaugh Reputation (2017) All Songs Ranked

We're catching up to the modern times, and next up is arguably the most controversial era of Taylor Swift, The Reputation Era. Where the internet figuratively crashed with the release of the lead single, no one expected this style, especially since her last record was full of glimmer like positive energy and this style was dark and brooding. I've told my friends, if click bait was an album it would be Reputation, many view it as the worst Taylor Swift record ever made, and rehearsed joke: Reputation gets a bad rep, I view Reputation as Taylor Swift's The Outsiders, on one hand being weird in several areas, there is intellectualism spread through out it there's honestly plenty to enjoy from this record and I'm going to break it all down.
15.This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Production really drags this down, but I do enjoy the lyrics, it's all about the feud, with Kanye West, and how she tried to forgive him but was betrayed yet again by him with the whole snap chat incident, but it can be interpreted as people who pretend to be your friends and use for their own personal gain. Pretty good message, solid lyricism, but the melody isn't good, and the bass is too loud. With all the personal burns towards Kanye, a darker tone would've worked better than a perky one. But I will say that laugh at the bridge was brilliant, I will not change my mind on that.
14. King Of My Heart
Apparently this is a reference to Game Of Thrones, but I don't watch that so I'm not gonna catch on any of it like details of that show or percussion, so I'm throwing that out the window. There are some brief good moments, more towards the bridge, but I have the same problems with this as the last one, the bass is way too loud, and overpowers everything else, and it hurts my ears. The chorus moves pretty well, given she's trying to do a trap/edm style with this track. It's a fun song but I would put this in the D Tier list of her fun songs and she has plenty better ones under her belt.
13. I Did Something Bad
I actually enjoy the darker production style of this one, because it has fun with the instrumentation, but unfortunately with a bunch of this record, you either get good production, and bad lyrics or vice versa. It's all about how the media says she does terrible, and she sees it as good and justified. And she's saying she's not going to stop, its right to feel that way, but this isn't really cleverly said rather its pretty obvious, the writing was really on the nose though I do enjoy the metaphor with the media comparing it to the witch trials, which makes sense, they don't care whether they're right or wrong, they just need to sell stories, overall the message needed to be said, but the way it was told fumbled.
12. Dress
Definitely the dirtiest song in her catalog. We get vivid details like her bleached hair, to his buzzcut, spilling wine in the bathtub, the song is really sexually driven, and I don't really like talking about these type of songs, I get really awkward and my thoughts literally go anywhere else. Definitely way too much moaning and given this song's message, I gag, but it is well written, pretty solid prediction, and the bridge is the best part of the song, I can't speak more of this before I throw up my lunch, just know its good, and if you're not squeamish like me go ahead and listen to this, its one of those songs I try to avoid, like Tip Of My Tongue, when Grady revealed the true meaning of that I lost my appetite pretty similar situation hear.
11. ...Ready For It
This is as close as you're gonna get to a balance with the bombastic trap production style to good lyrics besides one more song. It's pretty bad ass, the intro sets the tone fairly well, its about finding your true partner, but for a song about finding that person which seems to be referencing Joe Alwyn, which is the longest lasting relationship she's had I believe, but this is your tribute to him? idk, but you know what its different and I'll give it that, another thing I love about each album is that they are very different sonically each time, the closest in correlation to each other are Fearless and Speak Now, but they do have notable instrumental differences. So I'll take something fresh no matter what, I do the same thing for Eric Church, I'll do the same for her.
10. Gorgeous
This feels like it was cut from 1989 tbh. It is way brighter in her tone and the production and is the odd one out of this record. I'll admit I'm confused by what this song is about but my view is that she wants to have an affair as she's talking about this person and its stated she already has a boyfriend, and we get details like, if he has a girlfriend, she's jealous and if he doesn't, its even worse, she's trying to have an affair but she cannot muster up the courage to do it with him, maybe I'm wrong idk. That's just how I view the song, and if it isn't that the I'd probably drop it a space or two below, so I'm gonna keep this perspective towards it. The bridges are the greatest strength of this record, as they shine the details I like the most, like when she talks about her home with her cats.
9. Endgame (ft. Ed Sheeran & Future)
The intro is definitely going to turn people away, but I actually like it, I don't understand why, I enjoy this song. It should be a thumbs down for me, but I think just works (plus Ed Sheeran is a part of it maybe that's why) Production does overtake everything pretty often in this song, like the intro and and closing minute of this song. It's definitely an improvement from their last collab together, Future is eh, he doesn't really sound as cool as Kendrick Lamar did on Bad Blood, lyrics are okay, and honestly Ed did a better job when it came to the rapping. The chorus is pretty darn relaxing ngl. Taylor's verse is without a doubt the best of the 3, with the details of hatchets and maps, and drama. However for a song about not wanting us to care about our reputation it seems like she cares a lot.
8. So It Goes...
From here on out, almost all of the songs here take a step back from the dark trap style this record is flooded with and we get better songs sonically. This is still pretty bombastic, but it feels like more of a Chainsmokers song, if you are afraid of this record, this is a good song to start out the album to give you an idea of what to expect. There's a theory that because of the dots on this and Ready for it, it divides the record into 2 parts, Ready For It is the reputation defense side, and the other is what actually goes on behind closed doors, and its mostly right, and its mostly brilliant. The perception of who she describes is really interesting, calling a magician because he makes everyone disappear, pretty on the nose wordplay, but then you get to cut me into pieces, so what I figure is that she is willing to let her guard down and be vulnerable, solid stuff and a majority of that would follow represent the quality this record offers.
7. Don't Blame Me
Don't Blame Me is a lot more provocative than most of the record, it feels like a continuation of the narrative of Blank Space, with how she talks about breaking hearts for a long time, and at this point she's used to it, but for a record all about expressing her reputation and speculation, it feels too defensive, I'm not saying she's to blame but this certainly brings up the notion she doesn't really care about relationships anymore and sees them as more of a tool, and that's fine, as that's one of the main reasons I put Blank Space at #1 for 1989 but with Blank Space, she took in all the criticism and fired it back, this just feels like it is dodging the hits.
6. Getaway Car
She still hasn't missed a beat when it comes to describing relationships in unique profound ways. In this one the relationship is told in the perspective of a heist she describes her dumping of Calvin Harris and her relationship with Tom Hiddleston, and its in some sort of way an apology, in the line "I wanted to leave him, I needed A Reason. The sound reminisces of the 1989 sound, with the synth with a little mixture of new percussion styles. Comparing Tom to a car is secretly brilliant, and how they never got far, this is what I crave, stories actually about her, and not about the media perspective. How she compares their relationship to her stealing the money and car keys in a motel, is some of her best songwriting, I keep saying it, the bridges since 1989 just get better and better, it's definitely one of standout tracks and if you want to get away from all the reputation defense songs, add this to your playlist.
5. Call It What You Want
I love the first 3 lines, my favorite thing out of this whole record is those first 3 lines, which sums up her reputation fairly well up to this point, the castle being her reputation, the knife being naivety during the fearless-speak now era and the guns being the media circus, how she gave up defending herself. The message is pretty interesting, its her saying even though she lost the battle for how her reputation is perceived, she doesn't care because she has someone who knows her for who she actually is. It's a lighthearted rap, that is relaxing throughout most of it, it kinda loses me when it gets a little repetitive. She's waving a white flag, telling the media call this what you want, she doesn't care anymore. Some ways this song holds up some ways it doesn't, the white flag didn't last long as she remained defensive during the Lover Era, however in terms of relationship with Alwyn it does as they've been together for 4 years now so its a bittersweet message overall imo.
4. Dancing With Our Hands Tied
One of the other tracks about Alwyn, and is imo the first part of story line that would carry into songs like Cornelius Street from Lover and Invisible String in Folklore. It entails how she's afraid how this relationship is stable and is afraid how the world can tear them apart through rumors and accusations. The tie metaphor could have 2 meanings to me, 1: the rope representing the media bashing her and making difficult to dance or 2: the rope is a brace to make sure they don't fall apart. Either or is a great metaphor with a song with a unique message. It's also produced really well, and I may be in the minority on that as people like to claim the percussion is too loud, I don't see it.
3. Delicate
This is my study jam, I'm not a fan of the LoFi mix people use, but I put this song on loop. And arguably this is my favorite music video from her. It's all about her being herself after being invisible from the media for almost a year, and seeing this state as delicate. It's kind of heartbreaking when you view it that way, she always has to live up to the expectations of the media, her fans and critics, and 2 of the 3 bash her regardless of what actually happens. So this is her in a way being the most free in a long time. You also have the pre-chorus about how someone actually cares for her even though at this point, her reputation has reached its lowest point. It is the real catharsis of this record, where she actually lets go of everything, that being her own fears and insecurities.
2. Look What You Made Me Do
You're probably thinking: welp, he's lost his damn mind, but I'm one of those people who think this song is secretly brilliant, it shook the planet, with how different and dark it was. And I think the writing is actually freaking great for this track. Every little detail to tilted stage, kingdom keys. It is produced really well, the verses have different structure. It's all about her not shaking it off, but overcoming all the criticisms of her lifestyle and getting stronger and coming back with a vengeance. And Honestly I'm sick of people complaining about the record, because I can guarantee their #1 complaint is this song and the music video, speaking of which I also think is brilliant. I have so much fun singing along to this, because it is both serious and ridiculous. The scene where in the bridge has to be my favorite part where this current version of herself is standing above all these younger versions, like the ones from Shake It Off, Mean, and You Belong With Me. The bridge is excellent even though it is pretty repetitive. People aren't going to like this song say it doesn't make sense and that's okay but if you are anything like me seek this out.
1. New Years Day
For all reviews I had a little doubt of what would end up as #1, but for this one I knew New Years Day was going to be, as it is one of the best songs in her entire catalogue. How a new years kiss honestly doesn't mean anything but when they help you clean up after a party, that is what actually means something, it seems simple but little things can outweigh even the biggest traditions, I never thought I'd be moved by details like carrying shoes, candle wax, Polaroids etc. It is beautiful throughout its entirety, and how she doesn't want this to be another fling, and him just picking up bottles and cleaning up speaks volumes. I think this was sort of put to country radio, I never heard it, but still shows she has respect for the genre the brought her to she is now. I'm still a little confused by what she means by the last page, so anyone know what she means? I wanna enjoy this song to the fullest extent.

Next Up Is Lover, I should have it ready to be released in about two hours of this post so around 2:00ish from where I live which is the atlantic coast
submitted by CyrusWaugh to CountryMusicStuff [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 19:47 Mode2345 Getting Past Your Breakup

Most of us have been there – a relationship fizzles or implodes, and a heart is left in tatters. Maybe it was a mutual decision, an amicable parting, or maybe it was a betrayal that ended with vitriolic word-bombs exploding everywhere. Whatever form they take, breakups are never easy, and they can leave you feeling like you’ve been run over by a bus. A hole has opened up in your life where there was once cuddles and hand-holding.
In this summary of Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott
why you should put down the phone; why you probably can’t “just be friends” (at least for a while!); and how setting boundaries can expand your world. Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #1: In order to grow after a breakup, make sure you take care of yourself and grieve.
Think back to your first breakup. It was most likely a tortuous, heart-wrenching experience, right? But fear not – breakups can actually bring some positive things with them.
All in all, going through a breakup can be the perfect opportunity for personal growth. To achieve this, you have to look after yourself and properly mourn your old relationship.
When it comes to addressing a breakup, there are three distinct ways to handle it. First, there’s the option of investing a lot of emotional energy into trying to win your ex back. Second, there’s simply pretending that nothing’s happened by continuing with your life as normal. Third, there’s taking the time to reflect on your past relationship and your life in general to deal with your emotions so that you can fully heal. The best solution is the last one, but it’s by far the hardest. Here are some initial guiding principles to get you started.
From the very beginning, you need to put yourself first. This can prove difficult, especially if you’re used to catering to your partner’s needs. The trick is to treat yourself lovingly; boost your self-esteem by getting a new haircut or an expensive manicure. You could also take on a new hobby or work on expanding your circle of friends.
Most importantly, don’t try to block out the pain by engaging in behaviors like drug taking or substituting your ex with someone new. Instead, stay in touch with your emotions and work to process through them. Dealing with your feelings in this way will lead to you becoming a stronger person; you’ll trust in your ability to overcome pain and look after yourself.
Next, you’ll learn more about the process of self-care and how to properly grieve – it all begins with putting an end to that toxic relationship.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #2: Cut off all contact with your ex and don’t make excuses to communicate.
You and your partner have officially broken up, yet you still spend an unhealthy amount of time waiting for them to message and routinely checking their Instagram page. This behavior is understandable, but it’s not doing you any favors.
To orchestrate a successful breakup, you need to cut all lines of communication completely. That way, your ex will have no influence on your life; you’ll be able to eradicate them from your mind and steadily move on.
It’ll be a challenge to start off with, because you’ll be accustomed to communicating with that person, so the absence of that interaction will inevitably leave a void. Don’t despair, though, as most people reap the benefits of this procedure in no time.
The author had a client who felt as if she couldn’t breathe without her partner. After a mere 48 hours with no contact, she discovered she could breathe easier without him.
However, eliminating contact is only the first part of the battle; the second part is refusing to make excuses to contact your ex. This may prove problematic if your ex-partner wants to continue as friends – you’ll have to just explicitly say no. If you both invested as much energy into the relationship as you could, and still found that it wasn’t working out, then the best course of action is to take time apart to start afresh.
Social media also makes the concept of ending all contact a particularly trying task. You have to fully commit to not contacting your ex by any means – don’t dupe yourself into believing that following their posts on Facebook is inconsequential.
It’s essential to stop communicating with your ex-lover if you want to move on to the next step. This is the process of grieving, which you’ll learn about in the upcoming book summary.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #3: Losing a relationship can come as a shock, and there are strong emotions to deal with as you grieve.
Strength is seen as a desirable quality, so most people usually choose to ignore feelings of pain and confusion after a breakup. However, this isn’t going to negate suffering. You need to grieve your relationship so you can learn how to process disappointment.
First, you have to deal with the feeling of shock which comes with losing a relationship. When you’re with someone, you feel safe; hearing another person say they love you every day brings security. Suddenly, that person is out of your life without much explanation.
Those feelings of trust and safety quickly disappear, as well as your plans for a future together. You realize that you invested time and positivity into a relationship that wasn’t right – this is difficult to comprehend, so you’re bound to spend a while in disbelief. It’s normal to initially feel this way, though; eventually, your emotions will surface.
Throughout the grieving process, you’ll have to deal with a number of complex emotions, including regret. Once the feeling of shock fades, you’re likely to be hit with a sense of abandonment and loneliness. This is to be expected – you’ve lost the affection and companionship of someone you hold dear. You may also have to deal with the loss of mutual friends and your ex’s family members, to whom you’d grown close.
These unhappy emotions will come in waves. It’s almost like having a bad cold – you feel ill, dizzy and confused. This experience is mixed with obsessive thoughts like What went wrong? Who’s to blame? It’s both natural and healthy to go through this, so don’t suppress these thoughts; ruminating over the past is your brain’s way of moving forward. This can all be exhausting, so know your limits and look after yourself – more on this in the next book summary.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #4: To help you take care of yourself, employ these simple methods.
As you’ve learned, the grieving process can involve spending a lot of time thinking about your past relationship. The key is not to dwell on this for too long – remember to shift your focus back to your own life.
It’s testing to go through the grieving process to get over your relationship. That’s why it’s so important to balance this experience with positive actions.
Think about where you’d like your own life to go. How was your previous relationship holding you back? In what ways would you like to exercise your newly acquired freedom?
Now that you’re no longer with your ex-partner, you may find that you’ve got a lot more time to spend on educating yourself and developing your career. You may even want to use your newfound freedom to meet up with friends or take the daring step of moving to your dream city.
There are some helpful tools for transitioning into this positive way of thinking. Start keeping a journal or schedule “date nights” with yourself to take care of your well-being.
Documenting your feelings in a journal will help you identify how to make your life happier and address all the thoughts that are impacting you negatively. Say you catch yourself thinking that you’re undateable – stop, write the thought down, and think of a positive affirmation to counteract it. “I’m a supportive partner with a great deal to offer,” is wonderfully specific. When it comes to date nights with yourself, designate time for doing activities you enjoy: read a book, take a relaxing bath, or head to the movies.
Now that you understand how to handle yourself after a breakup, you’ll learn how to think about other people who might be affected, such as your children.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #5: To help your family cope with the breakup, stay organized and talk to your children.
As most people know, a divorce can have a devastating effect on the kids involved. If your breakup concerns children, help them process the situation by communicating with them and being patient.
Sit down with your kids and explain that as parents, both you and your partner will continue to love them unconditionally. If they ask any questions, refrain from being too specific – your kids don’t need to know details. Instead, keep your answers vague; explain that you’re no longer happy together and don’t want to fight, as it’s not pleasant.
If your children are of an age where they can fully comprehend the situation, you can use this opportunity to illustrate the importance of making changes when a predicament has become unhealthy.
It’s vital to let your children react to the news as they please. If they want to sulk or throw a tantrum, let them. They also need time to grieve and sometimes don’t know the best way to express their emotions.
Organization is essential for maintaining a healthy family life throughout your breakup. Remember to engage in fun family activities and allow your children to partake in the planning; this will create an environment of stability and security for them.
Breakups can be exceedingly painful, but they can also provide an opportunity to find fresh ways to function as a family. Ask your children how they would like to organize living together in this newfound setup.
It’s also important to schedule activities that you can enjoy with your children and without your ex-partner. Reward them if they’re actively contributing to making this new family life a success.
You should now have the tools to help your children through the process, so it’s time to return to focusing on yourself.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #6: Make relationship inventories to discover harmful patterns in your relationships.
Presently, you should fully understand how to process a breakup, so it’s time to think about your relationships in general.
A relationship inventory will help you discover unhealthy patterns. Start by noting down all the positive and negative aspects of your relationship and that of your ex-partner.
Think back to the attributes which initially attracted you to your partner but ended up ultimately proving to be detrimental. You might’ve marveled at how organized your partner was, but that soon turned into your partner being both highly controlling and overly critical. Were there any warning signs which surfaced at the beginning of your relationship signaling that there’d be trouble in the future?
It’s essential to write down the elements of the relationship that hurt you most and any wrongdoings that you were responsible for as well. Soon, you’ll be able to identify themes in your relationship: was your partner incredibly distant while you were needy? Did they frequently interrupt you?
Next, make a life inventory which features all of your major romantic relationships so that you can discover the source of these harmful patterns. It’d prove beneficial to you to make a similar inventory which assesses every close relationship in your life.
If your ex was critical of you, you might notice that your mother was once critical of you in much the same way. You may have spent your childhood pointlessly striving for your mother’s approval, and as an adult, you’ve simply transferred that pattern. You’re immediately attracted to demanding, critical partners who you have to continually appease.
The sooner you’re able to identify the source of these harmful patterns and understand how they’re affecting your life today, the easier it’ll be for you to let them go. In the following book summary, you’ll learn exactly how to do this.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #7: Identify the situations in which you struggle to set boundaries and learn how to stand your ground.
Think back to your past relationship. In situations where you and your partner didn’t see eye to eye, were you reluctant to say no or disagree? Unfortunately, allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat is pretty common.
Now, consider the current relationships in your life – are there any boundaries that need to be set? To do this, you need to ascertain when and with whom you’re failing to make sure that your interests are heard.
Say a friend always wants you to go shopping with her on Saturdays. This is not an activity you enjoy, and it’s preventing you from satisfying your own needs. Therefore, this is the prime opportunity to stand up for yourself and just say no, without lying or making excuses.
It’s essential that you know how to set boundaries effectively. Remember that a new boundary will only be accepted if there are consequences for not meeting your requirements, as words often fall on deaf ears.
Imagine you have a friend who’s always late when you’ve made plans together. You’ve frequently tried to set a boundary by saying that this is not OK, but they’ve neglected to change their behavior. You’re not required to accept this, so explain to your friend that you’re no longer going to wait. If you’ve planned to drive to a party with your friend and they don’t show up at the allotted time, head to the event without them. This will explicitly show your friend that you’re committed to your interests and that they need to respect them if they want to be around you.
This book summary has hopefully taught you how to be more forthright with your own needs. In the next book summary, you’ll learn about the importance of retaining your independence, especially when you’re in a new relationship.
Getting Past Your Breakup Key Idea #8: Learn to be independent, and if you do find love, don’t sacrifice your passions.
After a breakup, it’s normal to start thinking about when you’ll be ready to return to dating. The answer to this question may seem a little counterintuitive: you’ll be prepared to get back into dating when you’re able to enjoy yourself and no longer feel that you need others to make you happy.
When you’re feeling strong, joyous and independent, you’re more likely to attract the right person than when you’re in a needy and insecure state. If you’re in a place where you’re dependent on a relationship to make you feel socially validated, then you’re likely to settle for much less – you’ll end up with someone who can potentially have a damaging effect on you.
The best course of action is to embrace the loneliness – that way, you can freely choose who you want to associate yourself with next. But when you do find love again, don’t completely abandon the attitude you had while single.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in a new romance, but remember to maintain your own life, too. Continue to meet up with friends and partake in the activities you discovered when you were on your own. It’s important to keep spending time alone as well, as thriving on your own is such a vital, hard-won skill. A relationship is also destined to become boring if you spend every waking moment together; solitary time is good for you and your relationship in general.
Essentially, learn to indulge in self-care and truly get to know yourself. Experiencing a breakup is tough, but if you approach it the correct way, it can be an incredible chance to grow. Whether you get into a new relationship soon afterward or not, you’ll find that you’re a stronger, more independent person because of what you’ve been through.
In Review: Getting Past Your Breakup Book Summary
The key message in this book:
In the long run, going through a breakup can be highly beneficial to you. Instead of ignoring the situation or addressing it in a self-destructive manner, use it as an opportunity to take a good look at your life. Learn how to be happy with yourself first before embarking on a new romance.
Actionable advice
Find a hobby that you enjoy.
If you’re at a loss after a breakup, it’s a sensible idea to preoccupy yourself with a simple activity that won’t be too much of a challenge for you. Consider taking up knitting or learning about woodwork to take your mind off the situation and get past the shock.
by Susan J. Elliott
submitted by Mode2345 to BreakUps [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 19:42 LittleBunny65 Too scared of what's on the other side

I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and multiple personality disorder for a while. But over the past year, it has been extremely hard. I found out that I have multiple personalities, which explained the memory gaps and why I couldn't remember getting angry or saying mean things to others while I was mad. It felt nice at first, to put the blame of my failed relationships/ friendships on my other personalities. But at the end of the day, they are all parts of me - so I guess I still blame myself for it. I blame myself for ruining the one relationship that I treasure most and I still love him dearly but he hates me - the disgusted look and annoyed voice when he talks to me says it all. And he actually said it many times, that I ruined his life. He said because I have multiple personalities, it is impossible to talk to me comfortably. I didn't choose to have multiple personalities. I wish I could be one single person, one whole piece. But it is what it is, I cannot change it. I can change by never seeing him again, and maybe with time, my pain will heal and I will have a somewhat normal life. I have seen 7 different therapists and been to the ED a couple times. Everything helped a bit and yet sometimes I still want to kill myself - to end all the pain and suffering. But I have been holding on to dear life, for fear of what awaits me on the other side. I am a spiritual person, have always been like that. I was taught that suicide is a sin and that you will get punished for it. Some say you have to burn in hell for eternity, some say you have to keep living the same day over and over again, some say you can never re-incarnate and that killing yourself just brings on a new level of suffering - no ending to the pain I already feel. So I keep holding. Some days are more difficult than the other. I have no one to talk to about all of this. He made me keep the secret that kills me inside and if one of my personalities accidentally slips something out, he will yell at me and say hurtful things to me. It makes me sad, and kills me inside. I feel hopeless and sad and cry myself to sleep everyday. I have panic attacks and nightmares and just feel so much pain in my heart that sometimes it feels like my body is killing it from inside out. I actually tried to call the suicide and crisis helpline the other day, when I came so close to suicide. I needed help and reached out for it. But I was too afraid to admit that I wanted to kill myself - or feeling like that. I won't do it, the fear of an eternity of suffering is too much for me, so I didn't want to waste resources and people time to come rescue me. I just needed someone to talk to, to tell me that everything will be okay, that it will get better, that I will meet someone who appreciates and loves me instead of using me and then abusing me. I am glad I found this subreddit - I wish that someone would read my post and tell me that they have been there, but then it gets better, and everything will be okay again, even if just for a little while. Even if no one reads this or says anything like that. It is okay. I will stay strong and try to push through all this sadness.
submitted by LittleBunny65 to offmychest [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 19:23 iyannap3 50/50 Relationships

Hi I’m a 37 year old woman, I’m in a relationship with a man who is 55 years old. We’ve been together for almost three years now. I have one child he has no kids. He makes about 100 grand a year and I make about 40 grand a year. He’s fully established in his life, he’s been a home owner for about 30 years. And he’s been working his job for the same amount of years. I on the other hand is a very late bloomer, up until recently maybe about three months ago I was working two jobs to supplement my income. I’m a single mother and I take care of my daughter myself solely. I’m renting now, saving up to be a homeowner someday soon... With that being said, my boyfriend from the beginning has always made me split everything down the middle 50/50. If we hang out and he buys food, the next time we hang out I have to buy food. We took a vacation together twice, I had to pay half on the hotel the room, I had to buy my own plane ticket and also half on all the food purchases. Sometimes he even pressures me to get things repaired on my car, home etc. and sometimes I don’t have the money and he gets upset with me for not doing it sooner. Like recently, I have two vehicles a truck and a work car, my work car needs new tires, I had to take out money from my savings to pay for it because he kept pressuring me to get new tires. Sometimes he ask me to buy him food that’s expensive and I can’t afford... and he gets upset when I say no... I’m a very giving and free hearted person. And I feel like he takes advantage of that... he never surprise me with anything, no flowers or anything. The only time I receive anything is Christmas, bday or valentines day. he barely even take me out anywhere,he takes me out to eat every 3-4 months. Most of our dates is spent at his home watching tv... he’s been promising me marriage since the day I met him... but there hasn’t been any ring or any progression in our relationship since I met him... my question is, do you guys think the 50/50 relationship in our case is fair. Because frankly I’m getting sick of him and lately I’m feeling that’s he’s more of a burden in my life than a gift.
submitted by iyannap3 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 19:20 kjonesatjaagnet New atlas of the human heart could guide personalized medicine in cardiology

It takes a vast network of at least 500,000 cells in six regions of the heart to keep the human body up and running. Now, there’s a new atlas of those cells, which cardiology researchers will be able to use to build their understanding of how a healthy heart operates—and what goes wrong when heart disease develops.
A multi-institutional team that included Harvard University and Imperial College London analyzed heart cells in order to build an atlas that describes how those cells communicate and coordinate with each other to keep the heart beating. They published their work in the journal Nature.
The researchers started by isolating cells from six regions of 14 donated hearts, half from men and half from women. They used single-cell analysis, imaging and artificial intelligence technology to track how genes are switched on and off in each cell.
They discovered that each region had its own subsets of cells—a discovery they believe could shed light on variations in response to treatments for cardiac diseases.
"Knowledge of the full range of cardiac cells and their gene activity is a fundamental necessity to understand how the heart functions and to start to unravel how it responds to stress and disease," said Norbert Hübner, co-senior author and a professor at Max Delbrück Center for Molecular Medicine in Germany, in a statement.
The research is part of the Human Cell Atlas project funded by the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, a philanthropic organization owned by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan. Researchers from Washington University School of Medicine, Brigham and Women's Hospital and the Wellcome Sanger Institute also contributed to the effort.
Unlike cancer cells, human cardiac cells can’t be grown in labs for research. That makes them hard to study. Researchers have made significant progress studying mouse hearts, but the differences between rodent and human anatomy have presented obstacles.
The developers of the new atlas not only mapped the locations of the heart cells they tracked, they also analyzed the RNA in heart cells by using florescent markers to track their functions. That could yield new information about what proteins heart cells are producing, and where. One surprising revelation was that females have a greater proportion of heart muscle cells than males do—a difference that could inform the study and management of heart disease in the future, the researchers said.
The atlas is available to the public online. The researchers hope that other scientists working in cardiology will be able to use it to compare cells from diseased hearts to the samples from healthy individuals in the atlas.
"Ultimately, these fundamental insights may suggest specific targets that can lead to individualized therapies in the future, creating personalized medicines for heart disease and improving the effectiveness of treatments for each patient," said co-senior author Christine Seidman, M.D., professor of medicine in the Blavatnik Institute at Harvard Medical School and a cardiovascular geneticist at Brigham and Women's, in the statement.
Cardiologist Douglas Mann, M.D., of Washington University School of Medicine, who was not involved in the study, called the atlas “monumental” and “a tremendous source of reference for the field," in a separate statement from Howard Hughes Medical Institute, which also contributed research support to the atlas project.
Originally published by Arlene Weintraub Sep 25, 2020 Fierce Biotech
submitted by kjonesatjaagnet to JAAGNet [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 19:06 25sunflower I (25F) have HSV-1 and my boyfriend won’t go down on me.

Let me start by saying, I have HSV-1 (usually oral herpes), but it just so happens to show up on my upper thigh near my vaginal lip. My ex boyfriend gave it to me without telling me he had it. It was an absolute nightmare. Luckily, my case is not severe at all. I have only had it show up twice in three years, since he gave it to me. When it shows up, it’s one little bump that looks more like an ingrown hair than an STD and it goes away pretty quickly. I also take medicine which suppresses the viral count in my system and makes the likelihood of transmission quite slim.
I am not with my ex anymore, he was a cheater and a pretty horrible person. When I started dating my current boyfriend, I sat with him and shared everything I know about herpes, how I got it, and how I deal with it. The truth is, you can have a very fulfilling sex life with it and it’s not a life-ruiner, it’s just slightly annoying. I am very careful to do everything I can to protect my partner from getting it. I was upfront from the beginning and gave him the option to stay or go. He chose to be with me.
He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. We have sex and it’s really pretty good, but I go down on him every single time and he never returns the favor. Sometimes he asks me for blow jobs just randomly, and I’ll give it to him. He does nothing for me, not even with his hands. I always, always get him to finish. I always give it my all and he tells me I’m the best he’s experienced... but I’m left feeling really hurt and unsatisfied most nights because he doesn’t do the same for me. We run into the issue, too, where I’m “too dry”. I think it’s because I feel crappy emotionally when we’re having sex because there’s never any returned foreplay. He even told me that he’s never had that “problem” with any other girl, and that they’re “usually so wet”. It hurts me because I’ve never had this problem either, and it feels like he thinks there’s something wrong with me.
I’ve talked with him and asked why he never goes down on me... honestly, I keep myself shaved and smelling clean. He told me that he’s experienced girls who have smelled bad before and it was traumatizing for him. He also said he thinks “girl cum is gross”. That bothered me because I take his in my mouth constantly and while I don’t like it, I would never complain about it because I care about him and he’s worth the sacrifice. I asked him if he thought I smelled bad or something and he told me I didn’t. I was pretty unhappy with our conversation which felt like it had gone nowhere. A few minutes later, he gently told me that he was a little worried about getting herpes on his lips. My heart dropped through my chest. For a time, I hadn’t even considered that would be a problem for him. I felt horrible for even asking him and so mortified that I just wanted to drop it.
We have continued having sex for a couple of months since that conversation. I have continued going down on him without asking or expecting him to return the favor, but I’m just not satisfied. Honestly, some nights I go to bed crying. I understand his health concern and I completely respect how he feels. I would never want to make him do something that he doesn’t want to do. I just can’t help but feel resentful sometimes. I enjoy giving him blow jobs, but I do give constantly. It often makes my neck sore and cause cuts on my lips from my teeth because he takes forever to finish... and he never thinks to please me. During sex, we have to use lubricant, which is fine... but I have never had to do that before. I’ve been with other guys before him who knew about the herpes, and still gladly went down on me and got me ready for sex. My boyfriend is also very well endowed so it kind of hurts to just take it without any play beforehand.
This is so confusing and unfair. I’m really unhappy, but maybe I’m just being selfish? I don’t know what to do.
submitted by 25sunflower to Herpes [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:49 reddituser5639 [chinese dramas] how chinese actor cheng yi lost 70,000 followers overnight from doing nothing

Hi, hobbydrama! Normally I post stuff like this solely to cdrama, but after some people recommending me to post it into this sub, I am here with an edited and more clarifying post, as no one would know what is going on if I simply crossposted the og post.
This is a write-up on the controversy surrounding Chinese actor Cheng Yi, who lost 70,000+ weibo followers overnight from doing nothing.
prelude (before 09.20)
I started watching love and redemption around a month ago. love and redemption (which I will refer to as L&R) broadcasted its final episode around 2 weeks ago. I got into the fandom (which is consisted of the (formerly) 80,000 real life ship (rps) fans' Weibo community, 220,000 (current) drama fans, and (my estimate) 50,000 drama ship fans, and 6,000-7,000 Douban real life ship fans.
the drama, while airing, went on Weibo trending basically everyday. Its streaming numbers are comparable to The Untamed (Iheard that y’all got had a super popular post on Xiao Zhan & AO3, the untamed is the drama that first brought forth the hugely popular (and toxic) bojunyixiao (BJYX) ship of idol/actors Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan.) L&R was huge, which was unpredicted for Huan Rui, the company that owns the drama.
(note: up to right around mid august, the first episode rankings weren't even that high, so all the bts, promo, was all very normally being distributed. )
So, Youku (the party that was distributing and given streaming rights) hosted a livestream on 08/16 for the main cast members. There were two, one that was broadcasted on Douyin (tiktok in china), and the second on Youku. In the first, Yuan Bingyan (YBY) and Cheng Yi (CY) seemed sort of strangers to each other. They didn't have a lot of interaction with each other (I disagree, I think they were super cute) from many fans' view.
(Which is such a contrast from how they were in the BTS. In the BTS, they were constantly holding hands, even when unnecessary (when they were joking around YBY let go of Cheng Yi's hand and he grabbed it back), teasing her ("when we're done filming, I'm going to go catch a fish for you to eat"), suddenly kissing her cheek when they were walking a scene (seriously search the BTS of love and redemption it's the cutest thing), her wiping his nose when his hands were occupied, her playing with his hands when he was memorising lines from his script, etc.)
So in the second livestream, Youku supervisors (probably) talked to them and the general environment of the second livestream was a lot more at ease, friendlier. They had CY & YBY re-enact some scenes from the drama, which they did (where she kissed him on the cheek, which went on weibo trending). After the livestream, the fans (...we) went crazy. The entire livestream was stripped barer than if the FBI was trying to find something. Seriously.
From slowly analyzing minor facial expressions, to watching body language, we had determined that Cheng Yi has a total crush on Yuan Bingyan. (he couldn't keep his eyes off of her during the entire livestream, his leg went soft (is that the correct term haha) after she kissed him, his shy, tight lipped smile that he tried to hide when they talked about them as a couple, etc etc.) From the Douyin livestream, we found an instance where YBY repeated a quote from the drama "all I can think about is Sifeng" and her good friend (and fellow co-star) Bai Shu said, "it's Cheng Yi!" beside her, and Cheng Yi did his little shy smile again.
(other cute moments include Qixi (chinese valentine's day) where they both cued their character in the drama, wishing fans a happy Qixi (YBY with a rose, CY with a sunset (that we determined was from the set of L&R) and the other cast members going crazy when they kissed (think high school guys whistling at their fellow guy friend when their friend gets the girl haha) )
After around 08/17ish, they stopped releasing most of the BTS that involved Cheng Yi & YBY in the same frame. Huan Rui got some hate for that. We ended up getting 2-3 more BTS scenes.
Before 09/20, everything was all (mostly) good, there were a bunch of different groups of real ship fans too, like those who thought they dated while filming then broke up, those who thought they dated and kept on dating, those who think they had feelings during filming and acted on them when they met up again on 08/16, etc, etc. It was generally peaceful before 09.20.
On 09.20, everything changed. And oh my God, did it change. I live in a different time zone, so I did not watch the livestream live. I woke up to the chaos (which is worse). (it's like going to sleep at peace and waking up to the sounds of bombs being dropped on your house).
On the Weibo fan community, there were masses of heartbroken fans, announcing their leaving of the community, other posts criticizing Cheng Yi, feeling sad for Yuan Bingyan, etc. I was so confused.
so what happened?
Honestly, the biggest problem here, and the main reason why Cheng Yi lost 60,000-70,000 followers on Weibo overnight, is a 30 second scene. The main cast members were asked something regarding the drama, and Yuan Bingyan, who we had already known truly loved Xuanji (her character), started tearing up while talking about the drama. She was standing right next to Cheng Yi while crying. Cheng Yistood facing the audience, stone faced. He did absolutely nothing. (nodded a little) Meanwhile, the audience was cheering for Yuan Bingyan to "stay strong!", and Bai Shu had told her "it's okay, Xuanji, don't cry".
For the entire livestream, Cheng Yi looked like someone had killed his entire family, esp. when Yuan Bingyan was onstage. He wouldn't turn his head, he wouldn't look at her, there was 0 interaction between Cheng Yi & Yuan Bingyan. When asked about the Xuanji & Sifeng's future, he thanked people for liking sifeng. when asked about him and Yuan Bingyan, he said "it's all in the drama".
(he also lip synced to his performance of his song during the livestream, but the backlash of the whole crying fiasco was so bad no one really cared about that...)
aftermath (after 09.20)
Immediately after the livestream, people (mostly fans of YBY, fans of the real life ship, and fans of the drama ship) started criticizing him for disrespecting women. ( I mean dude, there's a girl crying next to you, even if you guys were absolute strangers, even strangers would offer a tissue or pat your back or something) he also garnered a lot of hate for thanking his fans for liking sifeng when the question was clearly about him and Xuanji.
a link to that moment)
He lost 60,000-70,000 fans overnight. ( the next day "Cheng Yiloses fans" was number 1 on trending on weibo. Which is impressive. Like super impressive. During the entire broadcasting of L&R, it did not get a single hashtag trending at #1. (to quote miss queen taylor swift: "do you know how many people have to be tweeting that they hate you for that to happen?" (when referring to kanye west drama) )
The real life ship (rps) community lost around 20,000 fans overnight. I was not keeping track of the drama ship community.
truth (or as close to it) :
As have been said in the comments of the original post, Cheng Yi has a drama currently broadcasting. Which is a terrible business decision on Huan Rui's part. They did not predict that the rps fans and trendiness of the Cheng Yi x Yuan Bingyan ship would be this long lasting, so they had to solve that. Huan Rui's big boss, Jiang Lei, was at the livestream, on the top floor, keeping a very close eye on Cheng Yi. He was also at the shooting of the "11th life" short released earlier that day. (basically, he had been watching Cheng Yi all day.) Also worth mentioning: while all the other cast members were rehearsing for the livestream, Cheng Yi was in the hotel room. Wonder what's more important than the upcoming rehearsing, Cheng Yi? (his boss)
It is not necessary for Jiang Lei to be a one specific livestream for one specific drama, unless there was something very important. We (the magnifying glass girls) have concluded that Jiang Lei was there for one specific reason. "tell Cheng Yi to stay away from Yuan Bingyan"
This obviously made Cheng Yi feel very uncomfortable/un-at-ease. He kept on looking up/ to the right upper corner during the livestream (remember this, this is important) (someone counted, Ithink it totals to around 40~ in 2 ish hours)
the hypothesises (gathered from multiple analysises from douban and translated by yours truly):
Jiang Lei (and other Huan Rui higher ups) told Cheng Yi to stay away from Yuan Bingyan. They did not tell him to be a real life Dong Hua Dijun (for the ppl who haven't watched pb- a literal ice block (edit for hobbydrama: a cold, emotionless character)). His weird behavior is out of protection for Yuan Bingyan.
You see, Yuan Bingyan was being criticized before the livestream, while Cheng Yi was gaining a bunch of fans. YBY was a little bit sick/unwell during the later filming, and her crying scenes weren't the best. Her character, Xuanji, was a bit of a dummy and didn't realise everything Sifeng did for her until very late. Sifeng is basically a perfect character (obviously he has flaws, but generally, he was a perfect boyfriend to Xuanji). Sifeng's personality, added to Cheng Yi's very odd "lao gan bu (old government official)"/"absolute jokester" personality, and his A+ acting, made his fan count grow exponentially.
He knew that he did what he was asked perfectly on stage, then the criticism for YBY would only be worse (she would then be criticized for kissing up to him for more exposure and other random stuff like that).
However, if he was a terrible person on stage, then she would gain the bulk of the original real life ship fans, drama ship fans, and the general public's pity.
There are many flaws in his acted "coldness" towards YBY that we found. when she was crying, his head was turned straight, but he looked to the upper right multiple times. Through further investigation, there were giant display screens of the stage on the upper right walls, where he could be watching/worrying about Yuan Bingyan. He also looks up multiple times (where the already established Jiang Lei would be watching). When asked about him and Yuan Bingyan, he looked a little lost on how to answer until the director leaned near him and whispered something in his ear, only did he reply. When YBY was crying, he smiled a smile sadder than if he was crying (a link to a gif of that smile - (analysis in chinese, but anyone can watch a gif) In fancams, it can be seen that he has tears in his eyes when Yuan Bingyan is crying.
There were pictures released by backstage workers of them sitting very close to each other backstage, waiting for the thing to begin. He is looking at her. There was also a person who claimed to be a backstage worker who said that they were super normal backstage, laughing and talking with each other.
How could Cheng Yi, a 30 year old man, who had spent 10 years in the entertainment industry, not know what stupid things he was doing while on stage? How could he possibly not think of the consequences of what he what he did?
So the conclusion ultimately is: him, out of protection of he & Yuan Bingyan's relationship, decided to be a nobel hero and be hated by everybody. he disobeyed his company (or in a sense, obeyed them too much) and took the hit.
This controversy was a hot topic 4-5 days ago when it happened. Though he lost 70,000+ followers overnight on weibo, he regained it all back and a little more. on the afternoon of 09.20 (before the incident), he had 12,340,000 followers. following the livestream, he had 12,270,000 followers.
(Cheng Yi has had multiple coworkers, previous business partners, etc, speak up for him, who all say he is a very well-mannered person, whose only ambition is to be a good actor. )
as of 09.25, he has 12,410,000 followers.
Before this incident, the rps shippers were out of control (which I say, as a rps shipper of YBY & CY). This incident helped get rid of the naive, glass hearted, too loud fans. You see, rps shippers are hated by both sides of the parties shipped, so we stay in our little community. We don’t comment on either party’s posts, we don’t mention it on other posts pertaining to either parties, we stay in our circle. In conclusion, this was good for us rps shippers. For the single party fans, not so much. This has ignited a slight war (not huge, but there’s definitely tension) (one sided, mostly) of Yuan Bingyan’s fans toward Cheng Yi fans.
if you have questions, please comment them.
link to original post to cdrama <- if you want to read the discussion & og post on CDrama
edited for some capitalizations
submitted by reddituser5639 to HobbyDrama [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:27 amicatholicthrowaway I'm not catholic, but something has been stirring in me...

I want to speak of what's in my heart and I have nowhere else to talk about it but here. If you don't want to be bored by a personal anecdote, keep scrolling. If you want to share in my story, read on...
I'm in my late thirties and was raised by parents who were protestant, but not really practising. I was taught about God and Jesus, I was taught to pray every day, yet we never went to church or said grace or any of those things. My grandmother was catholic, but she developed dimentia and died while I was still young. As my childhood ticked on, I lost a bit of faith every day. By my early teens I was an Atheist in all but name. (I am unbaptized in any faith, if anyone cares)
One day in high school I had what I subsequently believed to be a seizure of some sort (bear with me, this part will be relevant later). I blacked out in my room, and during that time I experienced what in old times might have been called a vision. I experienced all of reality as a metaphysical "crystalline" structure. In this "place" I was absolutely alone and overcome by two convictions:
  1. That my mind/awareness was the only mind that exists.
  2. That this "place" (I use the term loosely, but it was more like a mode of existence) was the only thing that existed, has ever existed, and could ever exist. And that everything else was just illusory.
In this state I felt supremely lonely, and, since the very concept of "elsewhere" was itself a logical contradiction and absurdity in this place, I knew that there was nothing else. As such, it represented a feeling of infinite and eternal "separation" from joy and love, as well as a profound experience of absolute hopelessness, the intensity of which defies language.
The incident left me with PTSD, for which I got counseling, and the memory still haunts me. Nevertheless, it wasn't long after that I more "formally" became an atheist (with special thanks to one Richard Dawkins for the final push).
Fast-forward through an adult life filled with many challenges and heartbreaks to two years ago. Parked at a grocery store after work, someone slipped one of those "How To Pray the Rosary" pamphlets under my windshield wiper. For reasons I can't say, I didn't throw it away, but kept it. It kindled a small spark of curiosity, and I began to read up on the rosary and the church in general. One day, on a whim, I prayed the rosary (after all, what's the worst that could happen?). I'm sad to report that it did nothing for me, but the curiosity remained.
I tried a few more times without knowing what to expect, but I experienced absolutely nothing except feeling a little silly. I did feel curious enough to attend Mass, which I did at least once a week for a few months. I didn't draw attention to myself, and just sat alone at the back of the parish. I stopped going, probably because I just couldn't figure out what was going on or what I was supposed to do or what I was meant to get out of it.
I slipped back into my old life, experienced more upheavals, moved a few times.
A couple of weeks ago I experienced something else quite profound. My uncle was taken to hospital for a psychotic break (he had schizophrenia, so this happened every three or four months). Since it was commonplace, albeit unfortunate, I wouldn't normally react strongly, especially as he and I were not close. However, this time I wept uncontrollably for him for a whole day and throughout the night. I couldn't explain my intense reaction, and I was worried that it might be burgeoning depression. The next day, however, I learned that he had died unexpectedly that same day from unrelated complications.
He shared a house with my elderly mother who was now alone. My siblings and I visited her to console her, but also to help her move out. It was at this time that she gave me a gift: a rosary which had belonged to my father! He was not catholic, but he apparently had a soft spot for the Church. Shortly before he himself had died a decade ago, he gave it to my mother, and she had now given it to me.
I came home filled with many complicated and lingering emotions. Since then, and I cannot say why, I have been praying the rosary every single day. I want to say that I still get "nothing" from it, but why, then, can I not bring myself to stop? Honestly, I don't even know if I'm doing it right!
I also started thinking again about my "seizure" or "episode" from my youth. Its defining characteristics were a sense of absolute despair and eternal hopelessness, as well as a permanent separation from love - both as a concept, as well as the people I love. This fits in with some descriptions of hell. There was no fire or brimstone, as it was a mode of metaphysical existence more than a physical place, but the greatest fear I'll have for the rest of my life will be having to experience that again. If it did happen to be a vision of hell, could it have been revealed to me by God? Somehow I doubt that, as it only seemed to snuff out my already dwindling faith.
This all got me thinking. Is it God speaking to me? Is it Mary drawing me to the Rosary? Why can I not stop thinking about the church? About Jesus? About Peter and the saints? Acutely at present, but chronically for a couple of years.
I don't expect answers, but I want to thank you for reading. :) I have no one else to talk to about this, and I needed to get it off my chest.
God bless.
submitted by amicatholicthrowaway to Catholicism [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:23 send_nothing_aa The Great Filter

I didn't wanna flair this as politics and more as sci-fi, but the political overtones that I might be making... Eh, might as well. And everyone only even clicks on the topic if it's either political memes or politics. Think of this as reddit clickbait. I'm not sorry in the slightest. I know I'm shameless, tell me something new.
This is basically a talk prompt that was given to me when I was in school having to choose a topic and talk about it, we all know that one. What I chose was the great filter, and specifically a case to why any alien species we may come across will be hostile, and will most definitely fuck stomp us to near or total extinction.
Let's start this with what the great filter actually is. A good start is the excellent video Kurzgesagt made on this very topic. I'm not covering the entire video, put just put up some parts of it for a basic understanding. I'll have that linked down in the comments(hopefully, if I remember).
What the great filter is, is an answer. To the very basic of questions. Where are they? Where are all the bloody aliens? Every time we look up at the stars, we see the beauty that nature is. The insignificance of our own 'pale blue dot' as Carl Sagan so aptly put it. And wonder, are we alone? Are we all that the universe has to offer, or can there be better? Of course, only if you can actually see them, with light pollution and all, but I digress. There are about a billion planets that can hold life, in any capacity. Say a miniscule fraction of them give rise to intelligent life. Go however far as you wish to, that's still thousands of intelligent species populating the galaxy.
So why haven't we found any yet? Why do we not see any? They may be spread across space and time, and you'll still have civilisations that may be spanning entire star systems, which will then most definitely have communication systems and means of travel that can deal with travel on that scale.
The answer to this very question is the great filter. It is by no means the only answer. But it is an answer, and I personally like this one as my favorite.
The great filter, why we don't see civilisations, is because there are none. They're all wiped out, and we're going to be no different. Something that makes this cosmos so unforgiving. It's not self inflicted harm, like nuclear war or climate change, for those are minor generational setbacks, lasting hundreds of thousands of years at most. A miniscule fraction compared compared to the lifetimes of stars and planets. What the great filter is, is up for debate. Natural phenomenon, like say GRBs irradiating worlds, to the very vastness of space, making travel impossible keeping species bound in the prison that is their single star system. To intergalactic warfare. Yeah, we're going Independence Day style, without Will Smith to upload some half baked virus in some impossibly stupid alien technology. And from here is where I start to draw parallels to our history.
Let's start at why I think any alien species that we stumble upon(or to be more accurate, stumbles upon us) will most definitely curb stomp us.
Look at the colonisation efforts around the world. The Americas most particularly, insulated from the rest of the world for thousands of years until Cortez decided to tear them a new one. A colonisation spree that nearly wiped the natives out. A dominant civilisation on their land reduced to a debatable shade of their former glory. Diseases that the natives had no immunity against, technology that they had no counter to. Millions of people dead at the hands of not more than a hundred Spanish colonists. Yet the gap between the two was not great. A few hundred years at most. Now an exercise in imagination. Take any minor military power today, and pit it against the most dominant power of a few hundred years ago. Pit it against the naval might of the empire on which the sun never sets, or the land dominance of the riders of the steppes. Both will be utterly decimated, humiliated. Yet only a gap of a few hundred years.
This was humanity apart from its own genetic brothers by a meagre thousand kilometers separated by water. Think of the head start another civilisation may have on us when at distances and times so spaced apart, that it may amount to millions of years. To a point that making comparisons to our technology today to our cave dwellings ancestors before they even knew what fire was, doesn't capture the full picture.
Now let's turn to why it may be hostile. India and China have had their internal squabbles, but were both prosperous and "comparatively" pacifist civilisations, in the sense that they were not imperialist. Separated by the Himalayas, so making any invasions of each other impractical. They did not send out expeditions to new lands in search of resources, going out planting flags in the name of his/her majesty. Who did put out expeditions? The Europeans. Competing kingdoms, who could only grab each others lands, which was finite. All at roughly equal power levels. How do you change the status quo? Look out. See for new lands that will make your flag more powerful. Your nation more prosperous. And how does that land become yours? You take it from someone else, who isn't going to give it to you with his heart full of happiness and understanding kissing you all over. You capture, you kill, you steal.
That is what I base my statements on. That anyone we encounter among the stars is most definitely gonna fuck us to death. Let's just hope it's not literally.
This came out much longer than I expected it to, but okay. If you made it thus far, I congratulate you for being able to keep up with my not great writing.
Tldr? We're all fucked, regardless of what God you worship, or what gender you are, or what group you identify with. Now go to sleep.
submitted by send_nothing_aa to IndiaSpeaks [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:05 grilledivy Seriously considering finally just giving up on life.

I’m in such a dark place right now over the dumbest things in comparison to what other people here have been posting... I’m almost 30 and I’ve never had a friend. I’m always extremely lonely to the point where I question if I should even keep trying at all with anything. I have social anxiety and when I try to socialize I’m usually ignored or overlooked. It seems that no matter what, if I ever get someone who claims to be my friend they always end up just using me for various reasons and then they just leave with no regard for my feelings. I’ve been abandoned by literally every single person who has come into my life and claimed they cared about me. I always do everything I can to make people I care about happy, I go out of my way to show how much I care and it’s never ever returned. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people just not care at all... I don’t think I’m a bad person but it seems like I’m just not destined to ever be happy. I’m so sad and I’ve been crying for the past few days, I can’t even do my job properly because I have to keep taking breaks to go to the bathroom and cry. I recently thought I’d finally found another human being who finally understood what it was like to be this lonely/confused and the exact same thing happened where I’m left alone out of nowhere. It wasn’t that big of a deal but for some reason this time it just broke me, completely. I’m so tired of this happening, I’m so tired of being ALONE, I’m so fucking tired of living this life. I’ve attempted before but I made the mistake of telling people goodbye and someone sent an officer to my house for a wellness check and they forced me into a 72 hour hold at the hospital which turned into over a week at the mental health wing or whatever you want to call it. I lied everyday just to get out and go home and the only thing I took from that experience is a diagnosis of something I figured I already had. Of course this time I know not to tell anyone my intentions, but I’m scared. I’m in the exact same mental space I was in before but a part of me just wants to keep trying because I feel like one day I’ll find someone who really won’t just abandon me out of nowhere and leave me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Every single day that part of me just grows smaller and smaller, though. I feel like realistically it’s never going to happen... When I was getting bullied in school I always held out hope that when I was an adult people would be able to see me for who I am and I’d have friends and live a less lonely life... haha, yeah right. How long do I have to keep hoping to be treated like a human with feelings. I’m sorry this is so long and this probably isn’t even the right place to post this, sorry.
submitted by grilledivy to lonely [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:04 send_nothing_aa The Great filter

I didn't wanna flair this as politics and more as sci-fi, but the political overtones that I might be making... Eh, might as well. And everyone only even clicks on the topic if it's either political memes or politics. Think of this as reddit clickbait. I'm not sorry in the slightest. I know I'm shameless, tell me something new.
This is basically a talk prompt that was given to me when I was in school having to choose a topic and talk about it, we all know that one. What I chose was the great filter, and specifically a case to why any alien species we may come across will be hostile, and will most definitely fuck stomp us to near or total extinction.
Let's start this with what the great filter actually is. A good start is the excellent video Kurzgesagt made on this very topic. I'm not covering the entire video, put just put up some parts of it for a basic understanding. I'll have that linked down in the comments(hopefully, if I remember).
What the great filter is, is an answer. To the very basic of questions. Where are they? Where are all the bloody aliens? Every time we look up at the stars, we see the beauty that nature is. The insignificance of our own 'pale blue dot' as Carl Sagan so aptly put it. And wonder, are we alone? Are we all that the universe has to offer, or can there be better? Of course, only if you can actually see them, with light pollution and all, but I digress. There are about a billion planets that can hold life, in any capacity. Say a miniscule fraction of them give rise to intelligent life. Go however far as you wish to, that's still thousands of intelligent species populating the galaxy.
So why haven't we found any yet? Why do we not see any? They may be spread across space and time, and you'll still have civilisations that may be spanning entire star systems, which will then most definitely have communication systems and means of travel that can deal with travel on that scale.
The answer to this very question is the great filter. It is by no means the only answer. But it is an answer, and I personally like this one as my favorite.
The great filter, why we don't see civilisations, is because there are none. They're all wiped out, and we're going to be no different. Something that makes this cosmos so unforgiving. It's not self inflicted harm, like nuclear war or climate change, for those are minor generational setbacks, lasting hundreds of thousands of years at most. A miniscule fraction compared compared to the lifetimes of stars and planets. What the great filter is, is up for debate. Natural phenomenon, like say GRBs irradiating worlds, to the very vastness of space, making travel impossible keeping species bound in the prison that is their single star system. To intergalactic warfare. Yeah, we're going Independence Day style, without Will Smith to upload some half baked virus in some impossibly stupid alien technology. And from here is where I start to draw parallels to our history.
Let's start at why I think any alien species that we stumble upon(or to be more accurate, stumbles upon us) will most definitely curb stomp us.
Look at the colonisation efforts around the world. The Americas most particularly, insulated from the rest of the world for thousands of years until Cortez decided to tear them a new one. A colonisation spree that nearly wiped the natives out. A dominant civilisation on their land reduced to a debatable shade of their former glory. Diseases that the natives had no immunity against, technology that they had no counter to. Millions of people dead at the hands of not more than a hundred Spanish colonists. Yet the gap between the two was not great. A few hundred years at most. Now an exercise in imagination. Take any minor military power today, and pit it against the most dominant power of a few hundred years ago. Pit it against the naval might of the empire on which the sun never sets, or the land dominance of the riders of the steppes. Both will be utterly decimated, humiliated. Yet only a gap of a few hundred years.
This was humanity apart from its own genetic brothers by a meagre thousand kilometers separated by water. Think of the head start another civilisation may have on us when at distances and times so spaced apart, that it may amount to millions of years. To a point that making comparisons to our technology today to our cave dwellings ancestors before they even knew what fire was, doesn't capture the full picture.
Now let's turn to why it may be hostile. India and China have had their internal squabbles, but were both prosperous and "comparatively" pacifist civilisations, in the sense that they were not imperialist. Separated by the Himalayas, so making any invasions of each other impractical. They did not send out expeditions to new lands in search of resources, going out planting flags in the name of his/her majesty. Who did put out expeditions? The Europeans. Competing kingdoms, who could only grab each others lands, which was finite. All at roughly equal power levels. How do you change the status quo? Look out. See for new lands that will make your flag more powerful. Your nation more prosperous. And how does that land become yours? You take it from someone else, who isn't going to give it to you with his heart full of happiness and understanding kissing you all over. You capture, you kill, you steal.
That is what I base my statements on. That anyone we encounter among the stars is most definitely gonna fuck us to death. Let's just hope it's not literally.
This came out much longer than I expected it to, but okay. If you made it thus far, I congratulate you for being able to keep up with my not great writing.
Tldr? We're all fucked, regardless of what God you worship, or what gender you are, or what group you identify with. Now go to sleep.
submitted by send_nothing_aa to india [link] [comments]

2020.09.25 18:00 mars3127 Intense hatred towards an estranged sibling and her equally horrible boyfriend.

CW: Mention of eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and violent fantasies
This will be VERY long, so I will divide it into sections; Background, Enter The Shitty Boyfriend, Boiling Point, The Incident, Where I’m At Now
Background: I’ve been estranged from my older sister, and only sibling, since my mid-teens. We are only two years apart, so this estrangement did take place under our parents’ roof.
She is a truly awful, cruel person. Even my psychiatrist clearly hates her, and he’s never met her. Just hearing some of the awful quotes from, and stories about, her will make anyone with half a conscience dislike her.
I struggled a lot throughout my adolescence, and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), C-PTSD and GAD at the age of 19.
One of the factors, among many, that contributed to the development of such severe mental health struggles is the hostile home environment caused by my sister’s cruelty and outbursts. This is not the main factor, but it certainly didn’t help and it was very difficult living with her.
She treats everyone like shit, even our own parents. Seeing her treat my mum and dad the way she does makes me want to punch her in the face. I can’t stand her. She is an entitled, arrogant, racist, sexist, homophobic, elitist, self-absorbed bitch. If she died tomorrow, I’d be relieved. I’d feel bad for more parents, but that’d be the extent of my “grief”.
She tries to make my father, a highly successful entrepreneur, feel inferior to her because he didn’t get to complete his university degree (he had to drop out due to family reasons and support his siblings), when he paid for her private university fees in full. My dad is smarter and more successful than she will ever be. Luckily, my dad doesn’t take her shit, and it’s satisfying when he puts her back in her place. Nonetheless, I can tell it still gets to him.
She also berates and bullies my mother constantly. My mother is her personal chauffeur, on-call 24/7. My mum will drive her places on barely any sleep, putting her own safety and the safety of pedestrians at risk.
My mum has a history of mental health issues, stemming from a traumatic childhood, and my bitch of a sister only intensifies them.
For example, she berates my mum about her weight, when she struggled with eating disorders in her late teenage years-early adulthood. She always does this with a sly, smug look on her face. Whenever I see her do this, I absolutely lose it and rip into her. Seeing my mum hurting, especially because of that bitch, makes me fucking lose it. Ironically, my sister has always been overweight, whereas I have always been naturally thin, something she absolutely hates (she used to call me “Ana”, short for “anorexic”, when I was around 7-11 years old).
I largely blame her for the rapid decline in my mum’s mental state over the past few years; my mum wears the same thing everyday, can hardly think clearly, has delusions, never sees her friends anymore, can barely function, overeats, etc. It breaks my heart, because she is the kindest person I’ve ever met.
I’ve always been the favourite child, something my parents will never admit but struggle to always keep hidden. My mum has always adored me, and views me as the baby of the family, the “tiny” and “pretty” one, etc. My dad and I are more like friends, and have the same weird sense of humour.
This just aggravates my sister more. My mum will gush about how “gorgeous” my figure is, and then not long after berate my sister on her food choices. My dad and I will be having playful banter, and she will interrupt and start talking to my dad, as if I’m not even there, trying to push me out entirely.
Enter The Shitty Boyfriend: My sister brought home a boyfriend a little over two years ago. At first, I was fairly neutral towards him. After a few months, I grew to hate him just as much as I hate her.
He moved himself into our family home without asking my parents. He literally moved his shit into my sister’s room one day, and that was it.
He lives off my family’s money. He moved himself in, lives off the food my parents buy, uses up their water and electricity, etc. We are well off, but that’s not the point.
My sister gave him access to our parents’ cards, and they will rack up thousands buying pointless shit like alcohol, and not have the balls to even bring it up when my dad is upset about the credit card statement. She will try to blame everyone else. It makes me sick how this piece of shit thinks he can freely spend the money my dad works hard for, and then not have the character to own up, apologise and pay back every cent.
He treats me mother with the same level of respect as my sister, which makes me sick.
He is a gold digger. It’s clear as day to everyone but my parents and sister. As I’ve mentioned, we are well off. My dad has been able to provide us with a very fortunate and privileged lifestyle. We have several properties, including a beach house (more on that later), and a lucrative cattle business at our family farm. We are able to enjoy luxuries that many people dream about.
This asshole has latched on, and so has his family. His family will kiss my parents’ asses constantly. They want to sink their hands into their pockets too.
In fact, a few months into dating, they started talking about the grandkids they would get, and how much fun everyone (including them) will have at our family’s farm.
The first time the boyfriend met my dad, he mentioned how much his own dad was looking forward to fishing at our farm... he said this within five minutes of meeting my dad, which meant my stupid sister would’ve tried to “impress” him by mentioning our parents’ assets, as if they are hers... I MEAN, HOW AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS SHIT?
Boiling Point: I moved into our holiday home when I turned 18 because I couldn’t stand living with them anymore.
It’s been a year and a half since I moved, I haven’t seen my dad since I left because I had school and he couldn’t get away from work, and then because of COVID-19, which devastates me. I miss him terribly. My mum has flown over multiple times to see me, but I haven’t seen her since COVID-19 restrictions came into place, and I miss her as well.
I absolutely couldn’t stand living with those two (the sister and boyfriend) anymore. The sight of either of them makes my blood boil. I hate them more than I can put into words, in a way that is unique to BPD. I would’ve killed myself if it meant getting away from them, I was that desperate.
The constant screaming fits my sister would have on a daily basis, while her coward of a boyfriend sat back and said nothing, were driving me insane and making me intensely suicidal and desperate to escape.
The Incident: My mum struggles with the fact that I am estranged from my sister, which I understand and try to be mindful of. But earlier this year, right before COVID-19 restrictions began, my mum made one of her regular visits interstate to visit me (and other family we have here)... but this time, she brought both my sister AND her boyfriend.
She informed me that she’d booked their trip over here as if it were nothing. I immediately felt sick, and eventually threw up. She’d also paid for the boyfriend’s flight using my dad’s frequent flyer points, which made me angry.
Last time she brought my sister here, she screamed and swore at me daily, and made digs at me for being on antidepressants (something she wasn’t supposed to know, but found out due to my mum leaving the box out).
I’m close with my neighbours, especially a single mum who looks out for me a bit, whilst I do what I can to help her and her kid out here and there. I was so embarrassed by my sister’s screaming and yelling, which the neighbours would’ve heard but never brought up out of being too polite.
When the three of them arrived, I decided the best course of action was to make myself scarce, spend time with my mum (who was also staying a bit longer than them).
The place has 2.5 bedrooms, with the .5 being a study that can be a spare room, when you move one of the twin beds in there.
I moved into the second bedroom for the duration of the visit, since I have my cat and I have many sleep problems that mean I can’t exactly share a room. It was expected that the boyfriend would sleep in the other room on the other twin bed, whilst my mum would get the master and share with my sister.
The boyfriend and my sister immediately set up shop in the master. I call this out immediately. My mum doesn’t want confrontation, my sister has that smug look on her face. The boyfriend is too entitled to say anything, whilst he happily moves into the master bedroom.
I was LIVID. I had moved out of there before they arrived so my mum could have it, out of basic respect.
My mum spent the entire time in a study on a single mattress, while they lived it up in the master bedroom. I tried to talk to my mum about it, but she is so used to being treated like shit and prefers to “keep the peace”. They also continued treating my mum like their personal assistant. I could feel the rage building and building.
The final straw came when they started targeting my cat. That’s when I fucking lost it. My cat is a rescue, she is sweet and shy. She is the most precious thing in this world to me.
The stupid boyfriend is allergic to cats, but that didn’t stop them from coming here. They expected me to keep my cat confined in a small room to appease them. No, fuck off with that shit. This is her home. Moving bedrooms had upset her enough. I wasn’t going to lock her away to keep them happy. They fucking knew she was here, even more reason for them to stay away.
The entire time they were here, they referred to her as an “it”, “the cat”, etc. They refused to use her name. They would do this with sly, smug looks. As if being nasty about an innocent animal means you suddenly have “balls”. I could’ve hit them both for that alone.
Back to “The Incident”: I was holding my cat in the living room. My sister started with her usual shit, as the boyfriend was standing in the kitchen like a coward. She started making digs at my cat, so I laid into her (whilst being careful not to raise my voice and scare my cat).
I don’t know about you guys, but when I am set off, I can be a ruthless bitch. I know exactly how to rip into someone who deserves it. I only ever do this if they provoke me or insult certain members of my family, friends or pets.
My mum hears, and calls my sister into the other room. As she leaves, the boyfriend chirps up for the first time throughout the whole ordeal. He tells me to “grow up”. I say something along the lines of “don’t you fucking start with me now”, before my mum sent my sister back out and called me over.
It’s almost laughable. He tells me to “grow up” when he can’t even wash his own underwear. Fucking hell.
My blood was still boiling. My mum wanted to know what happened. I explained. I said I wanted them out, I fucking hated them, they’re both pieces of shit, they have no fucking respect, I won’t fucking tolerate them talking about my cat like that, etc. I didn’t care that they could hear. I would say it to their faces too.
That night, when I was lying in bed, an eerie sense of calm came over me. I thought to myself that I could very easily pick up a knife, go into the master bedroom, stab him first, then stab her, and they’d be gone. Problem solved. I’d never have to deal with them again.
The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to hurt my parents, and not wanting to risk going to jail because of those losers. I also didn’t want to cause a huge scene and wake up the neighbours. Other than that, I had no feeling towards them. Nothing other than relief and joy that they’d finally be gone.
Has this happened to anyone else? The eerie calm beyond rage, wherein you could murder someone who has abused both you and your loved ones? Even in that state, I never could’ve laid a finger on my mum, cat or even a stranger, just those two.
Where I’m At Now: The next day, I privately informed my mother of this epiphany (is that the right word?) I’d had the night before. I did this because I was genuinely concerned that I may act on this next time. I was done with their shit, and they clearly didn’t realise just how much I wanted them gone. She made sure to keep them away from me.
I have very violent family members on my dad’s side. I felt that side coming out, and in hindsight, it’s unsettling how little stood between me and acting on that impulse. I was still in control of my actions, but I had no empathy for them in that moment. I still don’t.
I’m still finding myself close to that brink whenever they do something to set me off. Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you deal with it?
Thanks to anyone who has read this far. I also apologise for any typos, I’m on mobile.
submitted by mars3127 to BPD [link] [comments]

Phil Collins - Two Hearts (The Singles 18/45) BEAUTIFUL WORDS FOR ALONE 💔💔 WHATSAPP STATUS HEART BREAK ... 'Personal' - Stars (Lyrics) - YouTube SINGLE, DATING, ENGAGED, MARRIED - How to Date - YouTube US Open 2020 Men's Singles Trophy Presentation - YouTube Gemini Singles 😨Both Fearing Rejection & A Broken Heart ... Singles (Lonely Hearts Edit) - YouTube

Biker Singles, Personals, Community @!

  1. Phil Collins - Two Hearts (The Singles 18/45)
  3. 'Personal' - Stars (Lyrics) - YouTube
  4. SINGLE, DATING, ENGAGED, MARRIED - How to Date - YouTube
  5. US Open 2020 Men's Singles Trophy Presentation - YouTube
  6. Gemini Singles 😨Both Fearing Rejection & A Broken Heart ...
  7. Singles (Lonely Hearts Edit) - YouTube

Lyrics: Well, there was no reason to believe she’d always be there But if you don’t put faith in what you believe in It’s getting you nowhere Cos it hurts, you never let go Don’t look down ... “Dating is a process you go through, not a status you sit in.” Continuing our series Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Pastor Ben Stuart challenges the way d... Gemini Singles 😨Both Fearing Rejection & A Broken Heart Gemini💔 Tarot Reading August 2020 Extended Readings - Patreon (monthly membership gives you access to... Provided to YouTube by Rebeat Digital GmbH Singles (Lonely Hearts Edit) · Juliane Werding Fundstücke ℗ 2010 Let's do it/Immerland/BMG-Ufa/Mambo Released on: ... beautiful words for alone 💔💔 whatsapp status heart break singles. beautiful words for alone 💔💔 whatsapp status heart break singles. 'Personal' by Stars ::Subscribe:: *Lyrics* Wanted: single F Under 33 Must enjoy the sun Must enjoy the sea Sought by single M Mrs. Destiny Send photo to addr... Men's singles trophy presentation and post game interview following Dominic Thiem's victory against Alexander Zverev at the US Open 2020. Don't miss a moment...